julie and the silvermans

quarintined

2012-02-21T17:12:00.000-05:00

The Mr. came home from work yesterday complaining of stomach problems all day, coupled with a headache and general unhappiness. Neither of us slept last night since he was in and out of bed and in and out of the bathroom until 7:30 am when he finally left for his (long awaited) neurologist appointment. I've been dreading this appointment since he made it, because I am absolutely terrified that he has a horrible illness that will leave him unable to function. I'm thinking MS. Brain cancer. A quick and painful death. Luckily the neurologist said nope, William just tremors because he tremors. It might be hereditary, it might not be. He is going back for an MRI and blood work, but he is as of right now totally okay. Well, okay concerning his head.m

I made him go see his regular doctor after because the poor dude couldn't handle the stomach pain any longer. He, of course, was diagnosed with a nasty virus that is overtaking Greensboro. I can't even remember the name of it, but the doctor's note says "infectious diarrhea." GROSS. I might have it too because I've been exposed, but it's too early to know. I'm really hoping not because I have babysitting this week and I'd really not have freaking infectious diarrhea. Gag. I've been sanitizing stuff all day.

So William is out of work until Thursday and today we basically stayed in bed all day. My head is a'pounding and I feel sick from eating too many Girl Scout cookies. At least I hope it's just the cookies.

Mr. Snitzer, a close friend of Grammy and Poppy's, died today. The Snitzers are besties with Grammy and Poppy's and we've gotten to know them pretty well. It's so sad; everyone knew it was coming but that doesn't make it any easier. Poor Mrs. Snitzer. I've been thinking about this a lot lately (thanks to the neurologist appointment) and I know that if my love died, I would never fully recover. I can see myself working again and maybe adopting a child... but there would never be another relationship. I would rather be alone. Is that morbid? Perhaps. Not that there is anything wrong with another relationship after a partner's death, but it isn't for me. I just can't even imagine.

I'm glad that he isn't in pain any longer and I hope Mrs. Snitzer can find peace after burying her husband.

Grammy and Mr. Snitzer at Poppy's 90th Birthday Party

notes on my anxiety

2012-02-19T21:34:00.000-05:00

I am almost pretty sure I've written about this before, but just in case I haven't, here is a synopsis: when I was in my senior year of college, 21 year old me began having panic attacks that went undiagnosed for a very long time. I underwent every medical test you can imagine and no one could figure out what was wrong with me. Even after diagnosis and medication, I had disordered eating because of my intense fear of throwing it back up. I would go a week at a time without eating, and was largely unable to get out of bed during that period. I have panic disorder, which I inherited from my mother, which she inherited from her's. Here are journal entries I was asked to write by my counseletr. I was entirely numb during this period; I have no memories of that time. I took no pictures. I was basically invisible for an entire semester of college. Don't be alarmed when you read about my "violent thoughts." I knew that Paxil sometimes caused teens with violent thoughts to have increased violent thoughts, and I was terrified that this would randomly happen to me (eventhough I was not a teenager or someone with violent thoughts). I hope that if you're reading this you remember that I got through this, and if I did it, you can. I even moved to DC and was able to ride the Metro (one of my main concerns).

2008

February 29- Had counseling appointment which went well. Found out that I will not be able to see a psychiatrist until April. Came back from appointment really tired, just hung out all day. Jason’s cousin Miranda came to visit and stayed the night. Melissa and I went to a dinner, then a movie, then shopping at Target. Came back around 9. Hung out with Jason and Miranda until too late, around 2. Some people were drinking. None of this was stressing me out, but when I went to bed, I couldn’t fall asleep. I started thinking about my day, and the counseling appointment, and not being able to go until April, and I panicked. I had a panic attack. I don’t know how long it lasted, but I couldn’t fall asleep until around 5am. I tried breathing, but it didn’t work. I wasn’t very panicked while standing up, it was just while laying down. I’m worried about how I’m going to feel tomorrow since I had an attack. I don’t know if my stomach will be messed up or not. Is one panic attack enough to cause me to stop eating?

March 1, 2008- Woke up not feeling great. Didn’t get enough sleep at all. William accidentally woke me. I don’t feel sick at all exactly, just off, probably from lack of sleep. Jason and Miranda were being really loud this morning, which was obnoxious. I feel irritated with everyone, like it’s their fault that I had a panic attack last night. I’m unsure if I can eat today or not; William went out to get a smoothie for me. I feel really stupid that I stayed up so late and got so caught up in their mess. I should’ve gone to bed at a decent hour, slept late, and then I’d be fine. But, of course not. I’ve been hungry all week, but I’m afraid to eat because I don’t want to throw up/start another cycle where I can’t eat and I feel horrible. I’m trying to do homework, but everything I have is a group assignment. My Methods assignment is with the same people I have my internship with, and it’s hard working with them. I keep thinking that I don’t want to get sick again because I have too much work to do; I have to meet with Biek sometime Monday. I’ve left her to fend for herself, and I should’ve been helping her out this whole time. I’m going to call her today definitely to check in. I hope that we are able to come over Monday, and that I find out enough info today over the phone to do my assignment. There are no guarantees with anything, and that bothers me. I need a guarantee that I’m going to feel good this week. There’s nothing to do but wait and see how I handle food. My stomach is already upset from my period, so I’m worried, but not letting it get to me. I’m going to try and do homework now.

I got into George Mason today, which is good news. Still worried if William did or not. Worried that I won’t be able to sleep tonight because I’ve been tense all night.

March 2, 2008- I slept well last night because I took the sleeping medicine. I was feeling good, and then William and I went to lunch. On the way to lunch I almost had a panic attack in the car because I was thinking about money. It passed. Went to lunch. Ate, got sick after. Didn’t throw up. Went to Target, was fine. Came home and took a nap. Woke up feeling okay. Stomach not great, but don’t feel like throwing up. Doing homework now.

March 3, 2008- Slept well last night, with the help of watching TV before bed and listening to music as I fell asleep. Not feeling great this morning. Did some research on Paxil and found that it’s hard to get off of; need to make sure to ask how long I would need to take it and what will happen when I get off. I’m also worried about the side effects, like nausea. I started crying and it made me worry I would trigger a panic attack, but I was okay. Now I’m just trying to get everything ready for the week. I’m trying to be optimistic because I need to feel well this week.

March 4, 2008- Slept well last night and had a good day at the internship. Stressed about school. Was going to go to dinner with William’s family, but almost had a panic attack on the way, so we didn’t go. Hoping I can eat tonight.

Ate dinner, but it made me sick. Almost had a panic attack. Got in bed and watched TV for awhile, and I was fine until I tried to sleep. Took a nausea pill earlier that made me sleepy, so I was okay.

Got very depressed and couldn’t stop crying. I don’t feel like I can keep doing this.

March 5, 2008- Woke up feeling bad. Am still anxious about a number of things (my presentation, meetings, restaurants). I can’t seem to control what I think about. I have class today so I’m not going to eat lunch in case I get sick. I really think that I’m going to have to do something before April because this is getting out of control. Am trying to stay calm about it, but I don’t have a counseling appointment until Friday and I don’t know if anything can even be done then. I am also really anxious about Spring Break because the health center won’t be open and I don’t know what to do if I get sick. I got anxious during class today; it was the first time that has really happened.

Didn’t eat lunch, but I was able to eat dinner. I also went to William’s house for a little while and I was okay.

March 6, 2008- Slept well last night and didn’t get sick from dinner. Feeling pretty good this morning. I’m going to eat breakfast this morning and I’m bringing lunch to my internship. Feeling pretty calm. A little worried about doctor’s appointments tomorrow.

Got sick from breakfast, but was okay. I ate lunch and dinner, and I was okay. I got very anxious at my internship today, whenever I was left alone. Everything is very tense there because we have so much to do. I’m proud of the way I’ve removed myself from their drama; it has taken a lot for me to stop caring. Also got anxious and tense during class tonight.

I am worried about getting anxious and tense during class and my internship because it just started happening, and I need to be okay when I am there. How am I supposed to complete everything I need to do if I’m having panic attacks?

March 7, 2008- I had a doctor’s check up and a counseling appointment today. I was very happy after talking with Dr. Strupp because he said that if my counselor couldn’t get me a psychiatrist appointment, we could contact him. When I saw my counselor, she gave me a referral form to the medical clinic. I waited for awhile and then Dr. Strupp came and got me and told me that I had an appointment with the psychiatrist today. I was so relieved. This whole thing has been so scary, and I know that I need medicine. My psychiatrist appointment went really well with Dr. Stiles. She was incredibly nice and understanding and one of the first doctors at the health center who understood that this was a serious problem. She prescribed me Paxil and Xanax, and answered all of my concerns about taking them. I left that appointment happier and more optimistic than I’ve been in weeks. I had a good night with Melissa. I took half of a Paxil after dinner.

March 8, 2008- woke up feeling nauseous and immediately started panicking. I was hungry though so I went to eat. As William was making my lunch, I got really sick feeling and decided to take a Xanax. I rushed to my room, and sat down to cut the pill, but had the worst panic attack I’ve had yet. It was so immediate; most of the attacks I have are slower. I went from being slightly anxious to having an attack very suddenly. It was also different because my arms started burning; I felt like I was on fire. It stopped as soon as I took the Xanax. I got in bed, and it happened again for a minute, but it went away. I basically slept the whole day. I got up around 8 so I could eat and take my Paxil. I couldn’t stomach anything, but I managed a couple of crackers and some applesauce. I took my Paxil and went to bed.

March 9, 2008- woke up feeling anxious and nauseous. It’s a little better now that I’m awake and not lying in bed. I ended up taking ¼ of a Xanax because I was panicking. I was able to eat all day, and I was fine.

March 10, 2008- I took ¼ of a Xanax to calm myself down. I don’t think ¼ will really have any affect. Feeling okay; not too stressed.

March 11, 2008- Dealt with stress of meeting today effecivetely. This is my 5^th day taking Paxil. Today is the 2^nd day that I fixated a lot on the side affects, namely violent thoughts. I do not think I’m having violent thoughts, but I think that I am thinking too much about not having them, which is causing me to think about violent things too much. I was very panicked about this earlier, as well as about developing some other mental disorder. Told Melissa and William and they are helping me stay calm. I need to stop thinking so heavily about these things, but I worry that I don’t know the difference between having a violent thought and just worrying too much about having one.

March 13- Had dinner with my mom and found out that the reason she was so horrible a few years ago was because she was coming off of some medicine for panic attacks or depression- possibly Paxil. I feel confused about this because it makes me feel sad for her, but also angry that no one told me. It also doesn’t excuse everything she’s done. I really want to talk to Samantha about it.

March 22- This week has been insane. I had to cancel my counseling appointment because Tiffany had to move. Her boyfriend is becoming violent, and she has kids, and I’m really worried about everything going on with her. I don’t want to be this involved. I need time to myself to think and relax, but someone has to help her. I missed a day of interning to help her move, and everything is just ridiculous. I think my life is hard and then I see hers.

Otherwise, I’m doing well. I haven’t been sick or too stressed and I think the Paxil is really working. I’m not writing as much because I don’t feel I need to.

March 30, 2008- Today was not good. Yesterday I babysat for Tiffany and took her kids to dinner. After dinner I got really, really sick. I haven’t felt much better. I don’t feel like throwing up exactly, I just don’t feel normal. I spent all day watching TV when I should have been doing homework. I have a big economics test tomorrow that I’m going to have to study all day for. I’m just so terrified of getting sick again, and not graduating and not being able to move to DC. DC is all I’ve been thinking about lately; I’ve been so excited. But can I go if I can’t even go a month without getting sick?

I’m not that sick. I think it was just the food, but I freak out every time I don’t feel 100%. I need to stop freaking out, and I need to remember that I’m okay. Everything will be fine because it has to be, and I have people who love and support me. I just want to make sure this doesn’t keep going on and on.

April 2- My appointment with Dr. Long did not go well. He doesn’t want me on the Paxil anymore, but I am very anxious to be off of it. It’s been working so well so far and there is so much going on; I don’t want to go off of it and then get sick. I can’t deal with being sick again. I just wasn’t comfortable with him. I made another appointment with him but I would like to switch my appointment to Dr. Stiles. I hope that I’m able to, and that I can figure out this medicine stuff. I had a panic attack after meeting with him at dinner…

dear christian lady on craigslist

2012-02-17T21:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Christian Lady on Craigslist,

I've been spending a lot of time on Craigslist today because I'm trying to find a single "use" of Microsoft Office for our new computer; it's over $100 just for the software new! In my search today, it occurred to me that perhaps I should check out babysitting jobs. They pay so well, and well, we could really use the money. Plus, it just helps me feel better knowing that I'm contributing something. And it sort of curtails my I NEED A BABY RIGHT NOW mentality.

I came across your ad, requesting a part-time Christian sitter. I was intrigued.

Why a Christian babysitter, lady? Do you expect your babysitter to teach Gospel lessons? Your ad doesn't mention that. I'd be very surprised if that was the case, seeing as how who the hell wants their babysitter teaching their kid about religion? Your ad doesn't mention any details, so I just have to assume that you want a Christian babysitter because you want what all parents want in a babysitter- a kind, loving person who will entertain your children and keep them safe. Right? Well, I hate to break it to you but HELLO, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE CHRISTIAN IN ORDER TO BE KIND, LOVING, ENTERTAINING, SAFE, OR CHILD FRIENDLY. In fact, I'm-GASP- an atheist AND a successful babysitter. So successful, in fact, that I had little E., age almost 3, tell me yesterday that she "really, really, really, really loves me." I guess you think, I what?, smacked her and demanded she never say the wretched word love in front of me again, because I'm a godless person and therefore can't relate to children or understand love? Nope. I gave her a hug, told her I really, really loved her too and then played dress up with her (she was a "princess kangaroo." I was someone wearing a child's tutu around my neck as a necklace because I do not fit into child's clothing.).

I adore children. I actually woke up this morning and was thinking about how I actually missed playing with E. and T. today; during these thoughts, their mom texted me and asked if I could come back next week. It's well known among friends and family that if t here is a small child and baby around, I will find it and cover it in kisses. True story.

I almost emailed you, lady, because I was so offended by your posting. Why wouldn't you want me to babysit your kids? I have a master's degree; I have years of experience with babies and children of all ages; I was just told today by my husband that I become a little too attached to other people's children. I fall in love with them easily... and I'm an atheist.

I didn't email you because I just am tired and that seems borderline creepy, but I hope that one day you will open your eyes and see that there are lots of very kind people in the world that aren't Christian. There are many people who you could trust your children with that are atheists, or Jewish, or Muslim, or Hindu, or A MILLION OTHER THINGS. Also, there are many professing Christians who would not be good for your children. Pfft.

I think you suck. You should fix that.

Sincerely,

Julie Silverman

P.S. Enjoy these pictures from yesterday when I was obviously being an awful influence on children- RELIGIOUS children, in fact.

Little kangaroo. Do you see the joey?

She wants to walk SO BAD.

what i'm reading now, part 44

2012-02-15T15:39:00.000-05:00

love day

2012-02-15T15:30:00.000-05:00

How was your Valentine's Day? I think this was my favorite year. I was sick, of course, and my according to my trusty blog archives, feeling like poop on love day is a yearly occurrence around here. Pfft. Whatever, I still had a good day even if I feel gross today from overdoing it.

Meet my new babies. This is T.

And this is T.'s big sister, E.

I spend the first half of Valentine's Day playing with them while their mom did important mom things. T. decided to SCREAM the entire 3 hour time, minus about 20 minutes. There was nothing obviously wrong with her. I checked her diaper. I tried to feed her several different things. She didn't want milk. She did not want to play with blocks, she did not want to play with other toys, she did not want to take a nap. She was just a very unhappy baby. At one point I was seriously considering locking her in her bedroom upstairs just so I could regroup for a second. Dear lord. I think the hardest part of being with children is that you can't reason with them. If she was like 8 years older, maybe we could've worked it out. But no, she's 10 months and screaming is her most favorite hobby. Although to be fair, her mom was holding a voice lesson in the next room. The singing was lovely (so lovely in fact that E. asked me to stop singing, I assume because I couldn't compare to her mom's talent), but the distress of being in the same house as one's mom but not together was just unbearable for little T. Whew. I still hear the ringing in my ears.

E. on the other hand was lovely yesterday! She wanted me to pretend to sleep (no problem, kid) and she wanted to sing songs. I have that covered. I'm really starting to like them both and become attached to them, which is funny because Marley also babysits them sometimes and is not a fan.

I get where Marley is coming from because for every lovely moment that E. is sweet and snuggly like in the picture above, she has a moment where I am given the look of death and sort of scared that I'm in a horror movie where E. is the main character of Satan's spawn.

So I happily left their house, went home, and crashed. I slept until hubs came home around 5. And then we gushed and celebrated love, despite my gifts for him having not arrived yet. (Oh, well.)

My darling husband gifted me with my iPhone that I am 100% attached to; a gift certificate for a massage that I need to use ASAP because I just NEED IT; delicious chocolates; and a lovely orchid plant. We had orchids at our wedding, so I've wanted one ever since!

He doesn't always believe me.

We had dinner at the Print Works Bistro, a restaurant attached to the Proximity Hotel (a fancy smancy hotel we stayed at on our wedding night. IT WAS SO FANCY SMANCY. Best bathtub ever.).

I love him so.

We enjoyed salmon (him) and steak frites (me) and the chance to be together, alone, which doesn't happen often.

We came home and immediately got into bed and watched bad TV and then slept. Grammy and Poppy came in later than we did; we were almost asleep when they got in at 10:30. What dorks we are.

Valentine's Day gets a lot of hate but I've always liked it. I hold firm to the idea that every day should be a love fest celebration, but I appreciate that we have a set apart day that we can be reminded to love openly and freely and cheesily. Ahem. Cheesily might not be a word.

I am so grateful to William and so happy that this was our 10th straight year celebrating this day together. It still amazes just how damn lucky we are, to have found each other at all and have it happen so early. I want to spend every day forever with him, and find so much peace and comfort knowing that he feels the same.

Go love on somebody now.

disappearing act

2012-02-13T15:27:00.000-05:00

I didn't mean to disappear for so long! We had 3 computers and they all stopped working. No joke. 2 have f'ed up screens that make it impossible to blog and the other just got so slllooowww that it was unusable. We've found a very nice nonprofit to donate them to, and hopefully they will be fixed up and given to people who need them.

We got a new computer :) Hooray! I will miss my little netbook that helped me get through grad school. but that thing has to go. We love our new HP.

So what was I doing when I wasn't blogging? Well... I got an iPhone. There was lots of drama with my mama, as usual. I wanted very badly to have my own cell account but simply can't afford it. Seriously, Verizon, $60 for a lame not-smart phone? No, thanks. I tried to get on Grammy's cell account, but that wouldn't work either. So I finally just put myself on my mom's account and got a iPhone. It's glorious! It was also very expensive, so happy Valentine's Day to me.

I haven't heard anything about the job. Pfft. So rude. Don't promise to call me either way and then NOT call. What-ever. I have been working, sort of. I've been baby-sitting for the C. family and their two little girls. It's sometimes wonderful (hellllo, $15/hour) and awful (they don't have internet or TV in their home. What the what?!). I'm baby-sitting tomorrow and Thursday and not looking forward to it because I woke up sick yesterday. Sore throat, lots of snot, dull headache, fever. I'm better today a bit and will just sanitize the crap out of myself and not touch the kids if possible.

Oh, I just got majorly distracted by the stupid "Breaking Dawn" commercial. Swoon.

Grammy and Poppy are fine. It continues to be frustrating, but what choice do we have until I get hired?

Marley started talking to me again. Then stopped. Then started again.

Other sister? Still not a word.

My dad actually made me really sad Saturday when he asked me to go to dinner and then didn't respond to my emails and texts until the next day, so we didn't go to dinner. He thought I didn't want to go? And then asked if I wanted to go bowling sometime? Very random. I just want things to be easy, finally.

I haven't been reading. February is halfway over and I'm just now finishing my January books. I've just been sleepy and not into reading... trying to change that. We've also sucked awful about the gym. We went and went and then... didn't go for a week when we were busy. And now I'm sick so it isn't going to happen anytime soon. I'm trying!

So nothing much going on over here. Same old, same old!

Pictures:

Mama Silverman Birthday

I sent this picture from Chicfila to my dad... which started
the whole dinner plan that fell through that started the whole
series of WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME emails.

Andrew got a gun. And moved out.

Last night we all went to Ruth's Chris to "celebrate" Andrew's
graduation. Marley and I matched on purpose.

progress report

2012-01-23T19:56:00.000-05:00

Spent an hour at the Social Security office replacing my lost card; watched people scream at their toddlers; remembered why it's a bad idea to have children before you actually want them; finished Mindy Kaling's book that I started last night; paid mine and Williams gym membership; bought ugly ass tennis shoes (there's really nothing wrong with them except that they are tennis shoes and therefore ugly. Why do people wear tennis shoes on a daily basis? They are for working out. Maybe for going on longer walks. THAT'S IT!); got a gym outfit that includes men's shorts because they are longer and more comfortable when working out, hello, chafing?; filled out paperwork to get a copy of our wedding certificate; put together a box of all our important papers; made plans for tomorrow to go to the eye doctor then walk to Friendly to "shop" which means sit in the coffee shop; deleted a million pictures off my computer so I can transfer it all to a disk drive so I can trust someone to fix this computer; and other stuff I can't remember.

I was productive! (For once.)

what i'm reading now, part 43

2012-01-22T16:00:00.000-05:00

post script to marley

2012-01-21T21:35:00.000-05:00

Oh my god.

I wanted to tell you about this so bad yesterday.

Last night, Grammy caught my crying (I think she told your mom, too). Somehow she thought going out to dinner would make me feel better, and insisted that we were going to Positano. I did not want to go obviously. We get there and are standing around waiting for our table. Suddenly, MY SKIRT FALLS OFF OF ME. It dropped from around my waist all the way to the ground, exposing everything from the bottom of my shirt to the top of my ankles. I seriously wish this was a joke I was telling you, but it isn't. I was standing skirtless in a restaurant full of people. I had on pink underwear and tights pulled up to my friggin boobs because I'm so damn short, that's just how they fit. I quickly pulled my skirt up and was in SO MUCH SHOCK. Grammy, William, and I were dying of laughter. Poppy didn't see, but I told him and he got a kick out of it. I seriously can't even think about it. Who does this happen to, besides me? Sigh. The first thought I had after it happened was that you would have been crying when laughter if you'd been there.

I hope that cheered you up a bit. I was so mortified!

a letter to my sister

2012-01-21T21:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Marley,

I have no idea if you read my blog anymore, or if writing something to you like this will upset you. I hope not; I don't want to do anything to upset you! But at the same time, I have so much to say to you and it's been really difficult not talking to you. I hope this will help me feel a little better, and maybe if you do read, you'll understand where I'm coming from. Or not.

Marley, I miss you so much. I know it's only been two weeks since you called me annoying and told me to leave you alone, but I don't think I've gone that long without talking to you in many years. I have the urge several times a day to pick up the phone and just call you, or send you a message on facebook. I'm sorry to say that I couldn't help myself today (which is why I'm writing on my blog now. Maybe this won't be so annoying.).

My job interview yesterday went so well! It was the best job interview I've ever been on. I think they really liked me; I had them laughing and it was all very comfortable. It wasn't one of those typical interviews where they sit behind a desk and they ask you awful questions like "list 3 weaknesses you have from most prevalent to least prevalent" or some crap like that. They said they would call by next Friday to let me know; they have 2 more days of interviews. Damn, I really want the job now! Everyone in the office was SO friendly. I was complimented on my outfit, on my notebook, on my tights, on my shoes... it was nice. If I got this job, it would be such a relief! I wanted to call you right after the interview and tell you about it, except I never got to tell you that I had the interview in the first place. I wanted you so bad to help me shop for the outfit and to help calm me down by driving around Greensboro with the windows down and radio up. But we couldn't do any of those, because you told me to back off and so I did.

I hate that you are going through such a hard time. I don't even know what to do; I feel so helpless. I don't know if you are struggling with depression, or if you are "just" having a hard time in school. I don't know. Either way, I want to be there for you and be supportive. I would have NEVER gotten through my hard times if I didn't have people helping me. I want to take you to dinner, to talk to you, to be there to be supportive. You told me no, and I've heard from everyone else that you need time, but I don't understand it because it's been two weeks and I haven't heard a peep from you. To top it off, I hate to say it, but I've been angry at you because you really hurt my feelings when you told me that I was being so annoying- I was really just trying to help you. And then my feelings kept getting more and more hurt because you never called. I was fine with it until a few days ago; I figured you'd get over it eventually. But then I just missed you so bad and needed you because I was getting stressed and you are kind of one of my only friends here. It's hard not having you around. It was starting to make me sad.

So William dumbly texted you and I don't know what he said exactly but I know it made you angry. I'm sorry for that.

I want to tell you about all the gossip I've heard. I know all sorts of things that I need to share with you. I want to tell you about all the dumb stuff Grammy and Poppy have done recently and I want to laugh with you about it all.

More than anything, I want you to be okay. I wish you would pick up your phone and call me. Just to say hi. Just to let me know you are okay and that you are struggling but will get through it, and we can talk in a week. I wish you would let me help and be in your life.

I hope that school isn't being too cruel. I know it sucks, but I also know that you can survive and still find joy and happiness in your life even while being in school. I know you hate it, but that doesn't mean you have to hate everything else.

Marley... I just miss you. I don't understand why you are pushing me away. I get not talking to your parents. But me?

Last night I cried about it. I wanted to explain to you that I know you are hurting, and my heart is hurting too. For you, and for me because I don't have you in my life right now.

I've been told to back off, so I am/ I will keep trying to control the urge to show up at your apartment and hug you. But if and when you can, please just let me know you are okay. Call me. Email me. Text me. Message me. Send smoke signals. I don't care!

When you want to talk again, I've got big plans for us, babe.

Love,
Julie

under pressure

2012-01-19T14:30:00.000-05:00

I haven't really thought much about my interview this week; other stuff has been happening, and I was able to put it in the back of my mind. Then all of a sudden last night, I started to get really anxious. William was asleep already, and I was just sitting in bed playing around on the computer when this rush of anxiety hit me! It was intense; I started feeling nauseous, my thoughts started racing, the whole bit. I didn't get anywhere close to having a panic attack, but it was quite a random scare. For the longest time, I couldn't even figure out WHAT I was anxious about. I was in bed with my adorable husband who was snoring happily; I was safe; everything was swell. Ah.... but the interview. THE interview. The first interview I've had in months.

I was worried about the interview. It would've been obvious to anyone else, but apparently I'm slow. As I tried to calm myself down, I thought about WHY this interview was making me so anxious and I realized that it isn't really the interview itself (because I'm prepared, or I will be, and it isn't like it's going to physically hurt, you know? Nothing to be afraid of there.), but what the interview could mean to us. A new job would mean more money, which would mean paying off credit card debt then student loan debt and it would mean me being able to finally afford my $2000 car insurance. It would mean moving out maybe. i know I've said that we want to stay here until they don't need us, but what if someone else could take over and we could move into our very own house? With a house comes a slew of exciting things, like picking out paint colors and new bed spreads and then getting a puppy and then a baby. And all of a sudden, I was equating getting this one job with all the things I want most in the world, making this interview THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER.

I sort of spiraled out of control. Within seconds, I had found an adorable 4 bedroom house in the neighborhood I'd prefer to live in; one room for us, another for a guest room/office, and the last as a nursery. It was even in our price range, and it has hardwood floors. I was smitten.

From there, I started thinking about our new bedroom and how I needed a chevron bedspread (black and white or gray and white?), and the color I wanted the walls (light blue or grayish blue?), and who I would get to paint them (could Robin, or should I start looking into painters?).

I don't think I fell asleep until 4am. I felt awful this morning.

I need to calm down and back up. Even if I did get a job, that doesn't mean we're going anywhere, and I need to keep reminding myself that I am trying my hardest but I still might not get this job. There's no way for me to influence their decision; I can do my best and the rest is out of my hands. And yes, decorating and moving is fun and all, but I am not there and it could be a very long time before I need to look at painters.

I'm sort of crushed that my high has worn off, because for a few hours last night I was truly happy and excited about the future, and that isn't something I've been able to say lately.

goals and the golden globes

2012-01-15T20:42:00.000-05:00

The Golden Globes are playing in the background as I try to get everything ready for this week. (Why do I always wait until the last minute? It's 8:30 pm and I'm just now realizing I need to clean, iron, and organize.) I'm very sentimental about the Golden Globes, as I just explained to hubs, because when we were in college I went through a period of being almost bed-ridden because of my anxiety, and during that awful period I was having a very bad night where I could not calm down or keep food down. William put me in bed, curled up beside me, and we watched the Golden Globes. It was the first night in a long time I felt safe and comfortable and interested in something besides surviving the next few minutes. I can still remember how it felt to lean on him all snuggled tight in my twin bed. Every year since I am reminded of how very sick I was when I see the Globes, and feel so very thankful that I may not be "cured" of my anxiety, but I have managed it effectively since. Thank you, Paxil.

Oh, Jake Gyllenhaal is looking very pretty on the screen. Whoa boy.

I'm just overcome with worry about William. He has been dealing with shaking, as in his hand and arm just start shaking randomly during the day, and I realized today when he blanked out totally that perhaps his slowness is being able to form words especially under stress of questioning might be connected to the shaking. It could all be neurological, meaning something is going wrong in that body. I almost cried just thinking about what this could mean: what if he can't work in the future? What if he starts rapidly deteriorating? What if the shaking etc. gets worse and worse until he can't go out? What if, what if? His neurologist appointment isn't until February, because we made it in December and February was the earliest they had. Please oh please let him be okay.

Isaac and Molly were in town today, and Isaac didn't remember us. William thinks he did a little, but he looked terrified at first, which made me so sad! He is talking so much now, asking people what their names are and calling Molly "Sissy." He's so cute I just want to nibble on him.

Goals for this week:

1. Prepare x a million for my interview, including knowing all the in and outs of the position and my resume. I have totally forgotten how to even be in a professional situation, so lots of prep is needed.

2. Clean up the entire upstairs, especially the guest room and the living room. We have been using both as our junk rooms, and it's getting bad.

3. Be patient with everything in my life.

4. Budget so we know if we can pay for all these extra expenses that are popping up.

Happy Sunday. Off to watch "Shameless."

!

2012-01-14T22:28:00.000-05:00

I have a job interview next Friday! Eeek! And YAY. It's a great position, something that I think I am actually qualified for and could do, with a well-known and respected nonprofit... let's call it City Helper Organization. The real organization has the initials UM, in case you're trying to figure it out and can't. I am... pleased. Very pleased. Surprised, too, especially since I applied at the beginning of December. It has a very nice title of Assistant Director of a department. The only issue is that it's a religious organization and one that I always thought I'd never work at. But now? I'm desperate. Plus it might be good for me to work in a religious nonprofit, seeing as how I don't tend to view them favorably. I know they do great things, I just will flip my shit the second I see any religious stuff mixed in with the actual helping people stuff.

I found out about the interview and haven't been home since because I need a suit jacket. And skirt or pants. So a suit. I don't typically even wear suits on interviews because I don't think I've ever been to one in winter, but it seems appropriate. Do you know how hard it is to find suits this time of year? Lordy. I found one finally, from a majorly expensive women's store. It's so much more than I wanted to spend, but I haven't been able to find anything sense so I guess this will just have to be a splurge. (A splurge I feel awful about and keep apologizing for.)

I am going to prepare my ass off for this interview. I haven't started yet since I have all week, but I am going to be READY for this and I am going to be amazing. Let's be honest, I probably won't get this job, but I want to do my absolute best. Cross your fingers, please.

I think I've been to every single store in the area. We are both exhausted here, and I still haven't found a skirt. Poor William needs a break because I've made him shop shop shop and then today we took Caroline, age 3 "then 4 then 5", on a date. It was awesome. It just reinforced that I need a child. I need to love a child; I need that child magic in my life. Caroline was sitting on my lap all curled up during "Beauty and the Beast" in 3D, while holding William's hand, and I thought I would burst with contentment. She was so sweet and silly. And then whiny when we kept her out too late. We learned that she wants to marry her mommy, that she is terrified of chipmunks except girl ones, that she loves ketchup more than actual food, and that she likes to snuggle and be close to us. It was a good time. We even wore princess tiaras because this girl is about everything princess.

I actually spoke to my parents today, for the first time since the disastrous Christmas. My dad called just to say hello, which was nice. I'm still hurt that he chose to not talk to me, to not defend me when Samantha was so cruel, and to go so long without talking to me. I don't want to hold a grudge. I'm working on it. My mom called because Caroline's mom was looking for us and didn't get through on my cell. So Mom called to check on Caroline, not to talk to me at all. She doesn't know that William is full-time or that I have an interview this week. I guess she doesn't care or need to know. I actually emailed her a few days ago about the cell phone situation; I sucked it up and asked to stay on her plan because she gets deals through work, but I would pay for my own everything. I needed to know if this was okay, and if I could be made an account decision maker... and I still haven't heard back from her. So who knows.

I still haven't heard from Marley. She didn't come to Friday night dinner last night because she "had plans," according to Mama Silverman. I hope she did have plans and isn't just avoiding me. (Maybe it was both.)

So sleepy. Time to get in bed and snuggle with my husband. He's so excited we might see Isaac tomorrow. I love how he loves kiddos just like I do!

big puddle of blah

2012-01-11T14:30:00.000-05:00

It all started last Friday, when I finally caught up with my aunt who sent me that weird email cryptically saying we needed to talk. It was such a strange conversation, something about my wedding, that ended up with me wanting to scream that we are supposed to be adults and shouldn't we maybe act like it? Anyway, I decided that I needed to send a message to my mom, letting her know that I spoke with my aunt today and warning her about the situation. I thought I was being nice, but the lackluster response let me know that my mom didn't care, and didn't seem to want me to message her. Alrighty, then.

Hearing from my aunt must have been back luck somehow because since then, little things have been going wrong. Small disappointments, like we won't have health insurance until April 2; bigger ones like the Silvermans have decided to stop paying for William's car insurance now that he's employed (which I understand completely, he's 25, but it really feels like we're being kicked when we're already down, you know? Yes, he works full time, but he still makes very little money, and that extra money was going to go to getting insurance for ME, so that I could actually drive and help out and not be stuck siting here all day, which is getting increasingly more and more awful). So now we are taking a big chunk of our money to pay for this which sucks. It also sucks because I really want to pay our credit cards off this year, and have been working to budget it so we are paying every last dime in our account to them, to get it over with. That is all gone now, because of the car insurance.

I also managed to drop my cell phone in the bath tub (I'm a fucking genius, no?) and completely ruin in. We even went to Verizon and I was all, "I don't know what happened, Mr. Verizon Man Sir, it just won't turn on anymore!" It didn't matter because the phone was dead forever, totally drowned. RIP cell phone. The insurance and such had expired and I'm not up for an upgrade for another month, so there was lots of panicking and "OMG WHAT IF SOMEONE CALLS ABOUT A JOB INTERVIEW AND I HAVE NO WAY TO CHECK MY VOICEMAILS." Fun times. The main problem is that I am still covered under my mom's plan, so when something goes wrong I have to talk to her. I do not WANT to be covered under her plan, but she gets discounts through work and it's just financially better to do it this way. Anyway, I ended up finding an old cell of Poppy's, and I'm using it for now. The phone is from 2008 and is basically a nightmare, but at least it works and there is no chance of me missing a call. Not that anyone is calling.

Then there's Marley, who hates all of her classes and is so upset because she can't decide what to do with school and her life. Damnit, I try to help and I try to be there. I try to make sure she isn't spending too much time in bed crying. I try to make sure she's eating. I try to go through majors with her and figure out if something else will work. She abruptly stopped texting me yesterday and wouldn't answer her phone, and I panicked because I didn't know if she was ok. Apparently me worrying about her is just wrong and awful, because she let me know today that I'm not helping and that I'm making it worse and I'm annoying her. Ouch. Never mind that all I do is worry constantly, never mind that she said she'd call me at a certain time last night and didn't, and I had stayed up just to talk to her. I mean, I'm trying. So hard! And not only does she not appreciate it, it pisses her off. I don't know what to do about that except step back and not bother her. Like it or not, I'm still going to send her a message everyday reminding her I'm here to help or do whatever she needs. Annoying or not, I wish I'd had someone to care about me like that when I was going through shit. Sorry I care. Not.

Nothing is really wrong, there's just a lot of little things building up. I need some alone time. It seems like from Monday to Thursday, all I do it wait until William gets home so I can start enjoying the day. I sit around all week waiting for Friday so I can see him and have something to do. Sitting here all day is driving me insane! I am never alone. If Grammy isn't here, then I'm watching Poppy. It's very rare for both of them to be out, and I cherish those times like you wouldn't believe. Just to have a peaceful house to be in, and just to be able to walk in the kitchen without being questioned a million times about what I'm getting or doing. I need my own space so bad. It's particularly bad today because Robin is here, which means escape is impossible.. ahhhh.

I'm still not talking to my family, and they are not talking to me. My dad and I had a short email conversation but that was it. I miss them. I hate admitting that.

It's rainy and nasty outside, and I wonder how that is influencing my mood?

Reminding myself over and over to be good to myself and others. That is on repeat in my head.

shopping in my sleep

2012-01-05T20:57:00.000-05:00

I live in a whole different world than Grammy. It was blatantly pointed out today when we went into an expensive jewelry store to get Poppy's watch fixed; Grammy found a necklace she really liked and is considering buying. It is on SALE for nine hundred and something dollars, down from twelve hundred. This was especially amusing because hubs and I had a Very Serious Discussion last night about how I've been buying like crazy lately. I went almost a year without buying stuff from Etsy, which is sort of my addiction, but I broke my dry spell after receiving a bit of Christmas money. Now, I know that it is totally irresponsible for me to buy stuff when I owe student loan debt and such, but if I'm really honest... I don't care. The little bit that I spent is like .000001% of my debt, and seriously, am I not allowed to buy myself anything until I'm out of debt? That's impossible.

(As a side note, I am a firm supporter and believer in retail therapy. Um, is it unhealthy to feel better just because I shop? I don't know. But it does take my mind of shit for awhile, and I have something at the end to appreciate, so really, it isn't much different than art therapy or something, RIGHT?)

ANYWAY. I've been buying random items from Etsy for about 3 weeks now. I always go into this NEED TO SHOP rage in the middle of the night, usually around 2-3am. I'm in bed, slightly delirious, and I have the Etsy app on my iTouch so, it just happens. I'm not with it now, but it happened. Moving on.

I felt like I spend a ton! I was really worried! I knew I didn't spend more than the Christmas money I was given, but I wasn't really sure how much I pend. Let me show you what I got:

I felt so guilty, especially when hubs brought it to my attention. And he wasn't even angry that I was wasting our money on silly things for myself! Ugh. But I was still guilty, because he may have a job but I still owe $100,000 and so will always be poor and... guilt. To make it worse, a stupid woman from the Citibank student loans collections agency called me yesterday and it ended with me hanging up on her because she wanted my checking account information but would not verify who she was. Niiiiiice.

So, I spent basically nothing on these items. Some were just a few dollars. Yet, I am guilty about having them and buying them. Grammy on the other hand can walk into a jewelry store and seriously consider a $1000 ruby necklace.

Different worlds, y'all. It's sort of amazing we live in the same house harmoniously. It also makes me feel sad and weird about ever giving her gifts. I will never be able to get her something that she considers nice, will I?

what i'm reading now, part 42

2012-01-03T20:49:00.000-05:00

hello, January.

welcome to two thousand and twelve

2012-01-03T20:39:00.000-05:00

Every year has its own special ups and downs, and I always end each year wondering "is this really my life?" I had the same question the last day of 2011 and I checked, and yup, this really is my life. It's a weird one, but one that I am thankful for. 2011 had its own particular awfulness and greatness and it was a big sigh of relief to finally have that over with. What is that? I'm not sure. It's just all the upheaval I've gone through, all the ups and downs. There is on guarantee ever that this year will be better (or worse), but I am optimistic that from here things can only get better. My husband has a stable job with more money coming in; we are lucky that we will have health insurance in 3 months (health insurance that almost entirely eats up the amount of extra he is now making, but that is just ok). We have a place to live, we are near our families, and while I miss DC (and oh boy, have I been having PANGS lately), we are home. We are in the place where we will make our permanent home, and a year ago, we weren't here. So that is progress, right?

2011 was the year I had my absolute worst birthday and Christmas; but it was also the year that I testified in front of the DC city council and spoke at the Library of Congress. It's the year that I couldn't pay my student loans. It was the year we made a huge move back to NC, the year I quit my job, the year I was diagnosed with PCOS. But it was the year I got to see Grammy and Poppy daily; my own grandparents more often; and Sydney and Ben and Isaac and Molly a ton. It was the year I absolutely fell in love with Isaac.

2012 will be more of the same, but there are some changes that are slowly being made too. I will deal with the PCOS, and I am already researching the appropriate PCOS diet. I'm going to TRY to get my fertility back, damnit. There will be lots of health changes this year, because they are suddenly very important and necessary as to not make my condition worse. I want to do indoor rock climbing. I know that is so random, but it's something I've always enjoyed the few times I'm done it. I'm trying to figure out a way to make it more cost effective right now so I can start. I have to start eating organic as much as possible. I have to exercise and eat better, in general. This year... Poppy might die. We might be able to move out. I might finally get a job. There is so much possibility right now, so many what-ifs. Anything could happen in 2012!

I rang in the new year in the mountains with my favorite husband. It was a nice trip, but I was freaking homesick for Greensboro. WEIRD. Here is what we did: ate lots of food and especially lots of bbq; watched a lot of movies and TV; slept a lot; shopped a WHOLE lot.

The South: the place where tea is sweet and accents are sweeter;
summer starts in April; macaroni and cheese is a vegetable;
front porches are wide and words are long; pecan pie is a staple;
y'all is the only proper noun; chicken is fried and biscuits come
with gravy; everything is darlin'; someone's heart is always being blessed.

Let me tell you about something kinda dorky I forced us to do. After over-eating a nice Italian dinner at Casa Rustica, I made hubs take me to the grocery store to buy two balloons. We came home and we wrote all over our balloon (his blue, mine purple) what we wanted to happen in 2012. Our "wants" were the same: a job for me, to be able to move into our own home again; to pay off our credit card debt; to be healthy; to get pregnant. And to have a puppy. Of course.

At midnight, I gave hubs a quick kiss (he was eating chips and dip and it was making me gag to smell), then we ran outside to the back porch and released our balloons. Mine floated up and up until it was gone, and hubs' immediately got stuck in a tree until the next day. Here's to our 2012 wishes coming true. Here's to us MAKING out 2012 wishes come true.

I made him pretend to fly, and he did. True love, guys.

We are thankfully back in Greensboro now, and hubs started his "new" job today with the firm. So far, so good. He likes getting paid for an hour lunch break! I like that he's happy.

I am content. I have a warm husband and a good book. Happy sigh.

what i'm reading now, part 41

2011-12-29T15:07:00.000-05:00

Oh hey, it's the last one of the year!

And my final totals for the year:

Totals:
December: 7
November: 6
October: 8
September: 11
August: 11
July: 13

June- 10

May- 10
April- 8
March- 10
February- 14
January- 27

Year total: 135

escape

2011-12-29T15:01:00.001-05:00

In a few hours, William will get off work and we will escape to the mountains until Monday. I am so excited about this, and have been anxiously awaiting our departure since the Christmas mess. I still haven't heard from my dad, mom, or sister; not in response to my thank you notes, or my previous texts, or emails, or anything. Complete silence.

It has been peaceful.

This week has been filled with more of the same: sitting with Poppy watching old movies; reading; having an awful toothache; arts and crafts with Marley; a really awful movie with the Silvermans (Harold and Kumar Christmas 3D or whatever it's called. Just don't see it. Just don't.); episode upon episode of One Tree Hill. There have been some new additions that make me pleased as a peach. We bought a wall calendar and secretly hung it on the back of the door so Grammy will never know (and we used a sticky wall hanger so it hopefully won't leave a mark). I don't know what it is about a new calendar that makes me so happy, but I love filling up all the little squares with things to look forward to, whether it be a birthday or the start of a TV show we watch. A new calendar and a new year are so hopeful.

Even better, we found out today that William is being promoted to full time at the firm. Can I get a hallelujah? It's a sign of the times that his starting salary is $5,000 less than his starting salary at his old firm, which he started at like 4 or 5 years ago-- but we are so thrilled. It means more money, no not enough to actually pay for the BIG things like student loan debt, but plenty to live off of and begin paying down our credit cards. It also means complete health coverage for the Mr., whose coverage through his parents expires this spring. It also means.... health insurance for me. HEALTH INSURANCE FOR ME! It's costly through his work, but worth it, we think. Something like $20 for a doctor's visit and $25 for a specialist, and only a $500 deductible. Let me tell you, this is a relief like none other. I will finally be able to have my blood tests done knowing that whatever the result is, we can deal with it because I will be treated. I can finally afford to be treated. I will be able to get the PCOS and insulin resistance figured out, and hopefully start looking into and finding out what I can do about my fertility issues. I also get dental. DENTAL! I have so many cavities that have just had to go untreated, which has been a pain in the ass because the left side of my mouth is constantly aching. Full time pain, again. I won't be able to actually have the insurance for 3 months, but just knowing that it's coming makes the pain and worry bearable.

I have to admit, when William called this morning to tell me that he is full-time as of next week, I was excited but terribly disappointed at his salary. Obviously, he is worth so much more. His time is. His dedication is. He's making $8,000 less than he did just a few months ago. I want him, more than anything, to get paid what he deserves so he knows that he's worth it. I was upset for about 30 seconds before I remembered that this is such a great opportunity, and hello, we don't pay for housing so it doesn't really matter. Plus it comes with so much security. I know that he can move up there and get raises and bonuses, and that he will one day. So, it's all good and I felt bad that I was upset for a minute. I hope I didn't let it show! I'm so proud of him, and so proud that he's made himself a place in a new firm. He's also registered to take the required classes to become a public notary, so as of January something or another, he can notarize stuff. Yay, yay, yay. All around yay.

It is just a few days until 2012, and I know I won't be able to post from the mountains, so I want to say thank you to everyone who has helped make 2011 an interesting year to say the least. I love the support I get from you guys, and am forever thankful for it. 2011 was not easy, but one of the bright spots of the year was meeting you wonderful people. Be safe, be happy, and see you next year.

P.S. Don't you want a postcard from the mountains? Email me or leave me a comment. I love sending mail. I love getting it too, hint hint.

text

2011-12-26T18:09:00.000-05:00

From my sister Samantha, last night:

the reason i defriended you from facebook is because you cant seem to tell the difference between expressing your feelings and acting like a bratty attention whore with an abusive family. we are both really lucky that we have parents who love us and i find it unbelievable that you don't appreciate it.

I crumbled. I cried for hours, in the bed and in the bath and everywhere in between. I didn't know how to handle it, and I still don't know how to handle is besides completely pretending she didn't say that to me. I physically struggled to get through last night. William had to just keep holding me, reminding me that I am nice and worth something and that my family is horrible and that is just the way it is.

It was not a fun night.

I forwarded the text to my parents, desperately hoping to hear that they did not agree and that yes we argue, but there is love in our family. I heard nothing from my dad. From my mom I got a text that began with "I love you BUT."

At random times today I've literally felt sick just thinking about it. I feel like my family has died. They are still here, sure, but they don't want to see or talk to me, which feels horrible.

I've repeated to myself 1000 times already "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." This is how I have to approach them, and approach MYSELF. I have to be kind to myself, even if no one else is going to be.

There were nasty things I wanted to say back to Samantha and to my mom. I will not say anything bad at all. I wrote my mom back last night letting her know that I love her. That I didn't mean for everything to happen. That I will disappear because I think that's what she wants. I never heard back.

I will write them each a thank you note, as I always do, to say thank you for how spoiled I was on Christmas with gifts. I will keep it simple; an "I really appreciate what you got me," and "I love you," and for my sister, "I hope one day you will no longer believe the horrible things you said and wrote to me." I will mail them, and then that is it unless they initiate something. It's already hard to not call and pester them again; I just want to know why. How come everyone makes mistakes and some people make big ones, but I share emotions that not everyone wants to hear and I am banished? Why am I not loved more?

...

Here are some things that have helped heal me today: Target with Marley and buying ridiculous amounts of crap; William, always William; hearing from Jason and planning dinner tomorrow; the "Breaking Dawn" soundtrack (I know, I know); kindness from strangers; finding a good deal on shoes for William. And being kind to myself in every possible way because I need it so bad.

how i ruined christmas, 2011 edition

2011-12-25T20:33:00.000-05:00

Everything was going fine. We sat down to eat and I asked my mom a question that she apparently found offensive. "Why would you ask me that?," she yelled. "What's wrong with you?" Lots of nasty looks and snide comments followed. I immediately withdrew. I wasn't trying to be rude or inappropriate, but she took my innocent question and translated it into "Why do you think I'm fucking my roommate?" Clarification: I never asked that. I told her so. She disagreed. I went to the bathroom, made sure I wasn't going to cry. I could just ignore her the rest of the time I was there, right? So I leaned into William; he asked if I was ok. I assured him it was fine. Just another day, just another argument with my mother. My grandparents left, and there was nothing left to do, and my mom wasn't speaking with me, so we decided it was time to go too. We gathered our things. "Are you leaving already," she asked. Obviously. I made it to the car before I cried. Why does she react so horribly to everything I say? Why does she cling to Samantha in front of me? Why did she take Samantha into the hallway to whisper about me? Why did she complain about me in front of everyone, including William, while I was in the bathroom.

Why, why, why.

I got home, immediately got in bed. I was so tired. So sleepy, so physically and mentally tired. So tired of walking on eggshells around her and not being able to have a real relationship with her, or Samantha, and even sometimes my dad. I got on facebook. Everyone was posting about their happy holiday, about Jesus and presents and how much they love their families. I was feeling hurt, and I posted a status that reflected that. It wasn't meant to upset anyone. It was my facebook, where I post my thoughts. So I updated something like "It wouldn't be a family holidays if I didn't leave in tears! Merry everything!"

About 15 minutes later, Samantha called me. Yelling.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WHY WOULD YOU POST THAT, MOM AND DAD ARE SO UPSET WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, BLAH BLAH I HATE YOU."

"Um, what. We aren't even friends on facebook because you defriended me forever ago and refuse to friend me back. How do you even know what I wrote?"

"MOM SAW IT AND IS CRYING AND UPSET AND MAD AND DAD IS TOO, WHY DO YOU ACT LIKE SHE BEATS YOU OR SOMETHING." On and on.

Sobs.

"WHY ARE YOU CRYING."

More sobs.

I managed to get out "you... you just don't know what it's like to have your mother hate you. It ruins everything..."

More sobs.

More yelling.

I did not mean to hurt anyone, obviously. I am a genuinely nice person. I genuinely want everyone to be happy. But I am so tired of being treated like a pile of crap and then expected to smile through it and pretend that it doesn't kill me. If I am hurting, why shouldn't I post it on facebook?

I don't know.

I cried for hours. She hates me. I know she does. She sometimes feels obligated to pretend that she doesn't, because if she ever admitted it people would find that distasteful. You can't admit to hating your own daughter!

Samantha is the same. She doesn't like me either; maybe she doesn't hate me yet, but she has absolutely no regard for me.

I love with it best I can.

I texted them immediately and let them know I was sorry. (I wasn't.) That I didn't mean it. (I did.) That I will take it down, I just wasn't feeling well. (I felt normal.) My dad wrote me back saying that he loves me but I need to think before I post. I do not understand why or how he sticks up for her after all he has seen. He held me all those times I cried so hard I couldn't breathe after she said something awful to me. When she threw things. When she just left. He knows that I am so hurt, but. Apparently I need to not say what I really feel.

I deactivated facebook. It was all I could do. I've sent texts all day to my mom, dad, and Samantha and I'm being ignored... probably because I ruined Christmas. Probably not for the first time. I wonder how many holidays or evens I've been at that they wished I hasn't been? Christmas, birthdays, Samantha's high school graduation,. when she came back from Germany, the list goes on. All of these days that I want nothing but to be loved by them, and I leave crying because they are just incapable of loving me. Am I just such an awful person? Some people love me, I know this. They just aren't blood related to me.

I am going to disappear for a little bit. I wrote my dad to let him know we are going to the mountains Thursday, just so he would have an idea that I wasn't in Greensboro. But other than that, I am out. I will not call, I will not text, I will not email. I will send thank you notes because well, I am thankful for all the first I received today, but obviously no one is interested in talking to me, listening to me, or caring that I want to die whenever I am around them because they love each other and at best feel lukewarm towards me.

They do not want me, so I will disappear.

After spending the afternoon sobbing and sleeping I got to go to the Silverman family Hanukkah dinner. Where people like and love each other, and where no one even came close to making me cry.

glad to be wanted somewhere.

(I'm sure I'll reactivate facebook soon. But I first have to go through and delete every person I'm related to, as well as any friends of my mom's. It's just easier right now ignoring it all.)

I hope you had a merry, happy day that was nothing like mine.

P.S. That cruise I mentioned? I'm going to start saving now.

merry fucking xmas

2011-12-25T11:05:00.000-05:00

God forbid I make it through a holiday or web a few hours without my mom treating me like poop and making me want to disappear from this family forever. It would be just awful if she didn't use every opportunity to point out how terrible I am. I'm so glad she has Samantha to go whisper to about me.

Next year, I'm going on a cruise. Alone.

christmas eve thoughts

2011-12-24T22:29:00.000-05:00

I sometimes wonder why I even celebrate Christmas, especially today when I found out that my grandpa has pneumonia and my little Sydney had a seizure. What is the point in all off the frivolity and gifts and Santa and trees when a toddler has to be admitted to the hospital? If I truly thought that Christmas was the birthday of Jesus, I think I could drop it. If there were no non-religious Christmas traditions, I would drop it. But for some reason, I just want to keep it. I want to bring my tree in, decorate it, exchange gifts, be full of cheer. All of these things are nonreligious, and lets face it, have nothing to do with Jesus Christ and existed long before he did. So I'll keep Christmas, but I will feel weird about it, like I have no right to the holiday. How am I going to explain all this to children one day?

I broke my mom's heart this week telling her we wouldn't be "doing Santa" in our home when/if we have children. I don't want to lie to my kids unnecessarily, and I don't think it's quite right to tell them that a stranger is providing their gifts when in reality it is mom and dad paying and sacrificing for them. It should mean more than that.

Christmas is the one day of the year when my family is generous with each others. We are generous with our money and (usually) our time. Even if the day feels wrong this year with the lack of fanfare, I'm glad that I have these people to gift me with lovely items that I need or want. I think it's important to gift yourself with something, too. This is a tradition that I made up myself and will always keep, if possible. This year, I got myself a beautiful new wallet, {highly needed} waxing services, and the expensive finger nail polish that I covet but never buy because it's $9 a bottle and who the hell would pay for that? Me, apparently.

I don't know what I'm trying to say, I just wanted to write.

Whatever you celebrate, or don't celebrate, I hope that we can continue to be kind and generous with friends, family, and strangers year round. December is too short, and damn, we are sorely lacking in these areas.

Much love,
J.

go Carolina?

2011-12-19T22:04:00.003-05:00

Last week I caught a man on the phone asking for Poppy's credit card number; the popster was happy it to give it to him, but luckily accidentally hung up on him instead. So it wasn't really a shock today when Grammy received a thank you note from UNC for her generous donation.

Apparently they called and Poppy was feeling generous... Because he gave a THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Boy, does he keep life interesting.

giant rabbits and double rainbows

2011-12-19T17:03:00.000-05:00

I'm really sorry if you aren't obsessed with North Korea like I am (just kidding, I could care less!) but I need to share this list because OMG THIS MAN LIVED AT THE SAME TIME I DID AND HE WAS INSANE. I mean, I know there are lots of crazies out there, but he is sort of my favorite. Or, was.

I saw this last night and could not stop laughing while reading it. You will thank me for sharing. WE SHARED THE PLANET WITH THIS MAN. He breathed air he breathed! It astounds me. He is so fucking nuts.

Giant Rabbits and Double Rainbows: The 10 Most Insane Delusions of Kim Jong-il, from Gawker.

1. North Korean schools teach children that Jong-il's birth was "supernatural." He was born in a log cabin inside a secret base on the sacred Mt. Paekdu, the story goes, and his arrival was accompanied by the apparition of a new star. The seasons then spontaneously changed from winter to spring, and a double-rainbow appeared, followed by a talking iceberg. (Western accounts say he was born in a guerrilla camp in Russia.)

2. In 2006, Jong-il learned that a man in Germany breeds giant rabbits. He found them delightful and decided they were the key to solving North Korea's widespread hunger problem:

So Kim gets in touch with 68-year-old Karl Szmolinsky of Berlin, the world's foremost breeder of giant rabbits, and says he wants Szmolinsky to come to Pyongyang and set up a farm to breed these rabbits. For Kim believes that the meat yielded by these rabbits will end his people's starvation. [...]
Undeterred, Kim pays for 12 rabbits, at a cost of about $115 each. He tells Szmolinsky that the rabbits will be kept at a petting zoo in Pyongyang and, in a few months, Szmolinsky will be flown in to help really set up a farm for breeding.
In February of 2007, about five or six months later, Szmolinsky gets a call from a North Korean official canceling that trip. Why? Because, Szmolinsky believes, Kim couldn't resist... and ate the giant rabbits to celebrate his birthday.

3. State textbooks claim Jong-il does not produce urine or feces

4. Jong-il long claimed to be the world's greatest golfer. In 1994, Pyongyang media reported that he shot 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course, including 5 holes in one.

5. As the World Festival of Youth and Students approached in 1989, Jong-il had disabled residents removed from Pyongyang. The government also distributed pamphlets that touted a wonder drug that cures shortness. He then sent the short people who responded to a series of uninhabited islands, in the hopes of ridding his nation of "imperfect" genes.

6. He imprisoned relatives of convicts because he is convinced "the stain of criminality" persists for three generations.

7. The leader had a fear of flying, so he had lobsters airlifted onto his armored train — presumably the same train he died on — when he traveled.

8. Jong-il was Hennessy's biggest single client in 1993 and 1994, spending $850,000 annually on the cognac.

9. In 1978, Jong-il had South Korean filmmaker Shin Sang-ok kidnapped and held captive with his wife for 8 years, forcing the couple to produce propaganda movies for him. He'd take an executive producer credit on all of them. One was a blatant ripoff of Godzilla called Pulgasari, about the evils of capitalism. The couple eventually escaped during a location shoot in Austria. Jong-il later instructed his Ministry of Culture to "make more cartoons."

10. Kijong-Dong is a city built in the 1950s by Kim's father, set on the border as an example to South Korea of their superiority. No one lives there, but every effort was made to make it function like an actual city. The buildings have no glass in the windows and no rooms: They are just concrete shells. It's also home to the world's largest flagpole.

AHHHHHH. It's wrong to laugh at dead people, right? Too bad.

nothing exciting to report....

2011-12-19T16:50:00.000-05:00

I have been in a cleaning frenzy all day! I cleaned our closet, sorted 4 bags of clothes to go to Goodwill (this is seriously our 10th bag we've given this month. Why do we have so many clothes?). I got rid of clothes that I've been sentimentally holding onto for years... the dress I wore to a family wedding, the dress I wore to my engagement party, the dress I wore to my rehearsal dinner, the dress I wore in our engagement pictures... on and on. They are all worn and too small, so I just did what I needed to do. I feel bad for all those expensive clothes that are now worth nothing. I'm even giving away these shoes, which I bought 6 years ago and have worn 3 whole times! They are uncomfortable as hell, and I only ever wear them to holiday parties in December, so into the donation bag they went. No more foot torture!

Goodbye, my pretties.

I don't know where this desire to clean and purge is coming from; I keep thinking that maybe I'm nesting. Not for a baby, of course, but for us to continue living here since I'm finally accepting that we aren't going anywhere else anytime soon. In fact, we sort of realized yesterday that after Poppy's 2 falls last week, we aren't going anywhere until he dies. Isn't that morbid? I'm so tired of thinking about his death! But it's true; Grammy simply can't live here alone with him because if he falls, she can't get him up. And he keeps falling. And hurting himself. Thankfully he hasn't hit his head or anything yet, but he's bruised and bloody. Poor Poppy.

I can't imagine spending spring and then summer here. It hurts my head to think about.

Anyway, life has been simple lately. I have no new information on my PCOS because I still haven't bothered to get the blood tests. I know I need them but I just don't want to pay for them. They're important, right? But aer they really important right now? After all, even if they come back positive, I can't start any treatment without insurance; and if they are negative, that apparently doesn't mean anything either. So... I'll keep my blood for now.

I can't believe it's already time for Christmas and Hanukkah. I don't like they when overlap; first off, let's spread the holiday cheer over the whole month, not smoosh it together, mmk? I also don't like trying to schedule family celebrations around one another. We were supposed to do Hanukkah this Friday night, but that is the same day as my extended family Christmas get together... and I have to go. I might not like these people much, but I feel awfully guilty that I haven't really been around at all. I haven't even seen my grandparents who live 5 minutes away. The problem is always that I prefer to do whatever the Silvermans are doing. They have Marley! And Poppy! It's just a whole guilty mess. I don't know why I feel so little connection with the Way side of my family... but I do. Maybe because they aren't the warmest people? Or maybe because my grandfather made me cry at my wedding? I don't know.

Speaking of holidays, my mom called me yesterday because she has 15 Christmas gifts for Samantha and only 7 for me. Why she thinks I can somehow absolve her of this guilt, I don't know. "Are you going to be angry Christmas morning if she has more?," she asked. I told her no, but what I really would have liked to say is this: Listen, lady, it's obvious that you prefer Samantha to me and I have no idea why seeing as how she has always been awful to you. I don't even care. I don't care that she has more gifts, but it would be nice if someone could maybe consider the fact that I still can't have a job, I still don't have health insurance, and I owe a hundred thousand dollars in student loans. So, sure, buy Samantha more. Whatever. I think she could sense my annoyance, so she asked if there was anything else I wanted. Uh, maybe I would like health insurance like you said you'd get for me and predictably never did. I knew she wouldn't, but damnit, it would be such a relief. I am just not looking forward to Christmas. It's going to last all of 15 minutes, I bet. There is no tree, or decorations, or joy. We will show up, open gifts, maybe eat, then leave. Obviously we never really did the whole church thing on Christmas, but there are plenty of ways to enjoy the day together as a family in a secular way. Off the top of my head:
1. Decorate for the season and holiday beforehand together
2. Prepare food together Christmas day
3. See a movie
4. Eat Chinese food
5. Play boardgames
6. Volunteer at a shelter
7. Have a movie marathon
8. I don't know, stay in the same room together for more than an hour?

When I have my own kids.... this is how it will be. I don't care if they are adults. I don't care... it's a holiday we have always celebrated, so why the hell is everyone refusing to do anything? I know it's awkward with my parents, but it's just so damn depressing to do it this way.

I love my dad, but it's hard to see him enough. What am I supposed to do with him? He doesn't do any of the extra things, like seeing movies. He has no hobbies I can participate in. We don't live together... so basically we talk on the phone and sporadically see each other and I hate that. I want him to be a bigger part of my life but I don't know what to do with him.

Wow, didn't mean to ramble about that.

Let me tell you about an adventure Marley and I went on a few days ago... she decided she had to have a puppy. Like, today. She found one on Craigslist and it was all working perfectly; we would get up way too early the next morning, drive to Franklinville (population less than my high school), get an adorable puppy, then be on our way. Ah, the best laid plans.

Oh hi, welcome to the country. You are about to get murdered in a corn
field.

So we drive all the way there and the woman doesn't answer her phone. She had only told us her street name, and the plan was to call when we arrived for the house number. LADY DIDN'T ANSWER. We spent about an hour driving up and down her road, trying to decide which house she lived in. We kept finding houses with dog cages, and would just park outside of them until someone asked us what the hell we were doing, or we decided we were being too creepy and should move on. It was such a weird experience. She never did call until much later, after we were back home, so Marley didn't get the dog. It's ok though, because I got to see horsies. SEE? Horsies.

Is this the most random smorgasbord of a post, or what?

Oh! Kim Jong Il is dead. I recently became obsessed with North Korea, so this is big news for me. He was such a freaky little man. I read a list of the top 10 weirdest things he did, and learned that he told people he did not use the bathroom. That's right! Apparently he was such a supreme being he did not have to potty. If he was so supreme, then why did he still need to eat? Ah, we will never know. I'm scared and curious of the future of North Korea. Shit is going to go down, y'all.

Ok, one last random thing to share and then I have to escape back upstairs because Grammy is cooking something really nasty smelling:

Contradictions in the Bible. This is so cool! Find it here and you can print your own!

P.S. THANK YOU to everyone who sent me their address. I know it's silly, especially maybe for those of you who have never met me, but you are part of my life and you deserve a holiday card from me. Thank you for reading, for commenting, for saying nice things to me. And yes, you should write me back!

let me complain, thanks

2011-12-16T23:03:00.000-05:00

I haven't left the house much in a week. Looking back, that was probably a bad idea? Part of the reason why is because I have/had a fever blister the size of fucking JUPITER. It is so nasty that when I leave the house, people stare! STARE at me! It isn't nice. I am so sick of the smell of that crap you have to put on it. I'm so tired of the burning/tingling feeling. I'm tired of not being able to sleep because the pain from my lip and neck are so intense. Yuuuckkk. I've been pretty miserable.

Some good news: I think the dermatologist recommended treatment for my weird underarm black stuff is actually working. It isn't for sure, but hubs and I both think it's lighter. Hope?

I've also started watching "Shameless" on Showtime. It is so awful. By awful I mean hilarious. It's filthy, and I love it, and it has kept me sane this past week. I'm almost done with the season, but the next season of "One Tree Hill" comes out next week so I should be ok, if ok means unable to cope without ridiculous TV.

Poppy remembered my name this week! He never calls me by name; I'm usually "William's wife." We were driving back from dinner one night and he turns around in the car and says, "Would you like some of my ice cream, Julie?" I bet my eyes bugged out of my head. He probably forgot it immediately, and he hasn't said it since, but still. It was a pretty cool moment. Tonight was a bad Poppy night.. you don't even want to know the details. Let's just say he had to shower.

The holidays are next week? Apparently? We're done with our shopping, hallelujah, so I'm just waiting to give and get. With that said, this year I've just been annoyed. There is hardly any cheer. No Christmas tree, no decorations, nothing. No big plans. It's depressing, and all I can think about it having my own home again so I can decorate to extremes. Also, I'm already annoyed with all the "keep Christ in CHRISTmas"'s.
This is going to make me feel much better:

what i'm reading now, part 40

2011-12-12T20:59:00.000-05:00

addendum (this is my 300th post)

2011-12-12T00:36:00.000-05:00

I can't talk about these health issues without talking about William. Oh, William. He was been absolutely perfect throughout this (it's only been a few days, sure, but it feels like forever). He has held my hand, scratched my itchy body, kissed my head, not complained when I waste gallons of hot water by sitting in the bath for hours, returned library books, made me laugh, fed me, let me sleep as much as I want, lets me cry it out even in public (sorry people of Bill's Pizza Pub) and much, much more. During my appointment, he made is perfectly clear he could care less if I wasn't able to make babies; and continuously asked if I was going to be ok. He asked the right questions He keeps telling me I'm beautiful even though I absolutely am not. We keep having this conversation:

Julie: Ok, can you just be honest and tell me how hideous I am?
William: You are not hideous. You are beautiful.
Julie: I'm sorry you are obviously blind, but I need like a number on an Ugly Scale. A 7? An 8?
William: You are making me mad. You. are. not. ugly.
Julie: Are you going to leave me because I'm so ugly?
William: You. are. not. ugly.

And so on.

My brain does not make the right amount of serotonin. My lady parts are not producing eggs. There are cysts on my ovaries, and black splotchy skin all over my body. But he loves me, and that is the only reason I get out of bed.

I'll stop before this gets nauseating, but yeah... I won that lottery, for sure.

on cupcakes and children

2011-12-11T23:53:00.000-05:00

damnit, I do not want to write this.

So I just will.

I went to the dermatologist Friday, to have my nasty moles removed. The doctor was incredibly kind, and numbed me (oh we will discuss that in a minutes) and snipped those fuckers off. They are gone. Somehow I didn't think about what my neck would look like after. Silly, I know. Obviously, I have pretty deep cuts all over my neck that require being bandaged and cleaned and such all day. This is one side of my neck now, to give you an idea.

Those reddish spots are what the removed mole area looks like. War wounds, as I think of them.

That part was fine. It was whatever. I was unhappy to learn that a new crop will appear each year, but whatever, I will deal.

I was not prepared to learn that I might not have children. Or that I might one day soonish be diabetic.

The darkish areas under my arm, chest, and neck that I've posted about before are the result of my body being insulin resistant. My body just doesn't know what to do with sugar. The black areas are a sign of this; how it was never diagnosed before LIKE WHEN I HAD HEALTH INSURANCE, I don't know. Thanks, doctors. Great job. I've only had the signs since I was 16.

They will probably never go away. They might lighten, with treatment. They might not.

I am not sure what this means in the future, as of right now. I have to get a blood test to confirm, and until then, my doctor isn't discussing treatment and such. Probably, I will be on a weird diet. I have to get my BMI way down, as the lower it is, the less likely it is that my insulin resistance will develop into diabetes. Even if I can manage to shed something like 50 plus pounds, I will still most likely become diabetic soon. That obviously comes with its own health problems.

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

And PCOS, or Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. This isn't confirmed either (I need another blood test and such), but I've known that I had this forever. I'm written before about how I thought I may have infertility problems; I'm a googler, and it was pretty obvious that is what all my symptoms mean. But oh boy, does it feel different when it comes from a doctor.. a doctor that also has PCOS. I don't need a blood test to tell me; my period has not been regular in 10 years. My teenage acne never went away. I have weird patches of hair where I should have none. My periods are horribly fucked; sometimes I don't bleed, and sometimes I go through a pad every 20 minutes. I could list more, but googling will give you a more complete picture. I have PCOS.

This was devastating to hear. I was not prepared, seeing as how I was at the dermatologist. When she said it, I cried. She hugged me. She told me that she has it, but managed to have 4 children. There are treatments; there are things I can do.

Let me say it this way: she told me, and then did the snipping of my moles. I was under the impression that I would be numbed with a numbing cream- and I was. They used a numbing cream before the billion shots I got in my neck. I was so out of it and upset, I had absolutely no fucking clue I was getting shots in my neck. In the car after it all, William commented on how great I did when I was getting the shots. "What shots?," I asked. He couldn't believe it. I had about 10 shots in my neck, and did not notice at all. My eyes were open, but I was not there.

There was a period of my life where I did not want children. In my late teens, I decided I would never be unselfish enough to want to care for someone like that... but I changed my mind. I matured, maybe, or perhaps my biological clock just started ticking. Who knows. But, oh, how I want children. They are all I think about, all I dream about. Our goal for moving back here was to get a home and start popping out babies. When I go to bed at night, I think about my future children and all the things I want to do and see with them. I am baby obsessed, to put it mildly. This is something that I just feel called to do, that I feel like I'm made for. I think it will also heal a lot of issues that I have with my own parents, if I was to become a parent.

That was all taken away from me...

I have not had the best weekend. I tried so hard, so so hard. Friday I texted Jason and Dylan to let them know what happened, and that we would still make their holiday party that night, but I didn't know how long I would last. I went. I think I smiled some? Then we left early. All I wanted the whole time was to be in bed. The next day, we had tickets to a Carolina game. They were a gift, and William has been looking forward to going for weeks. I couldn't cancel, could I? I have never been so miserable in my life. I cried all day, the entire way there. I stopped long enough to miserably go to the game and at least attempt to be okay. I failed splendidly. I didn't cry on the way back, and I haven't cried today. It is not that I am getting "better," as much as it is that I feel completely numb. The whole reason I can write this is because I feel numb to the whole situation, like I'm watching a movie about someone dealing with this and I am the uninvolved spectator.

Some people have been very nice and supportive, while other people are awkward and don't know what to say. My dad wants me to start eating everything sugar free. My mom said she would buy me health insurance, a promise she's made in the past and never actually done so I don't hold out hope for that. Samantha so far had one of the best responses; sarcastically she told me that this was "God's will for my life, and that if I prayed it would be okay. God meant for this to happen." It actually made me laugh. Jason and Dylan also reacted beautifully, by being supportive and loving but not demanding anything out of me. They gave me a card and flowers, and I can't adequately express how that made me feel. Tears. Tears of thankfulness and happiness.

I have two blood tests that need to be done, but we sadly can't afford them. To see the dermatologist, we maxed out our credit cards. With no health insurance, it's another $200 for the tests, combined with the treatment and doctors that will follow. I don't know what to do at this point. Because I'm still numb, I am not dealing with it.

The doctor thankfully understand about the whole no insurance deal, and gave me a "prescription" for over the counter meds I could mix to help treat my skin issues, instead of the expensive stuff that comes mixed for you. Twice a day I have to: wash my face with face wash; wash my neck with Dove soap; put antibacterial stuff on my neck from the removed moles; bandage them all up; mix 2 different kinds of lotion and smother it all over my chest and underarms (and neck after it heals). It's a lot. I'm so uncomfortable from all the stuff on my body, and I constantly burn and ache. On top of that, I woke up this morning with the most disgusting fever blister I have ever had... it's like 20 different ones in one area. So nasty. All of these little things are just contributing to my overall misery.

Things that trigger a crying episode: seeing a baby on TV, seeing a baby in person, seeing a baby item in a store, anyone saying anything slightly mean to me, basically anyone looking at me the wrong way.

Another thing... I feel hideous. I stopped being overly concerned with my appearance many years ago. I left that shit in high school... and yet, here it is again. I feel so ugly. I have sores on my neck that are gross; I have this brown crap everywhere that just looks unclean... and it will never go away. I feel nasty and ugly and unworthy and unlovable. This is not a good place to be.

I am not okay, and I don't know when I will be.

Everyone is trying so hard to be nice and to say that there are treatments and that they know so and so who has PCOS and has kids and blah blah. The thing is, those people? They are not me. And those people probably had health insurance and could treat their PCOS. I can't. I have no options right now. I could have cysts on my ovaries wrecking havoc down there, and I can't do anything. And then everyone just tells me to adopt, like that is a cure for infertility. It isn't. And is it even possible to find a way to have an ethical adoption? I don't know.

This is just awful. Awful is all I can say.

Awful

2011-12-09T22:42:00.001-05:00

I was diagnosed today with insulin resistance and PCOS.

This mean I might not be able to have children or cupcakes.

Kind thoughts and words are very needed.

just some things i'm thinking about

2011-12-06T20:23:00.000-05:00

1. I started my period in normal Julie fashion this afternoon; I was sitting downstairs with hubs and Grammy and Poppy when I stood up and a friggin flood of blood was released. I rushed upstairs and it took two towels to clean me up, as well as new undies and pants. Jesus H. Christ. At least this explans my complete annoyance with everyone today.

2. Hubs was gifted tickets to a Carolina game by the parentals this weekend. This is what I love about him: he immediately wanted Isaac, age 2, to come with us. Because obviously a sporting event isn't fun without a toddler. Here is what annoys me about him: when we found out Isaac can't come, he was so disappointed that he said he doesn't really even want to go anymore, and the game won't be good anyway. Big baby.

3. Poppy was trying to eat applesauce with a knife tonight and Grammy immediately took it from him for obvious reasons. He turned to her and said, "Why are you still here?" Whoa. She immediately became upset and turned away from him for the rest of the meal. He obviously forgot what he said about 30 minutes later. She put it behind her but I was worried the whole time she would start crying. I know for sure I would have. Poppy doesn't mean to be mean to her, but sometimes he just is. Is it his dementia? How the hell does she handle this? If William talked to me that way, I would be devestated... and even moreso if we were old and I knew he didn't have tons of time left.

4. A few nights ago I couldn't sleep and started googling my old email addresses, which led me to some old livejournal accounts I had. Oh LORD. I found 4, starting in high school. I also found a bunch of poems I wrote and had to post to a public forum for my high school creative writing class. I hope to share some of these embarrassing things soon!

5. I also found this amazing picture, which is about 5 years old. This is me and Ben. My Ben, who is now an adorable kindergartener. Here, he's an adorable baby. And can you believe how long my hair was? And straight? Um, how do I get that back, please?

my grandparent's poverty

2011-12-04T22:01:00.000-05:00

My grandma called me last week and asked if I wanted to go shopping with her for Christmas gifts. "Of course!," I said. Shopping is fun, and my grandma is loony; what could go wrong?

She was so anxious to get here on time, she left hours earlier than she should have. When she called to let me know she was here, I was still in bed. I jumped in the shower and 11 minutes later I was in her car, ready to spend what little money hubs has made at his new job.

Are your grandparents also weary of and confused by technology? My grandma does not understand that you can use your debit card in stores; she seems to think you can only use it to take money out of an ATM. Charming, really. So we headed first to an ATM so she could withdrawal cash. My grandma typically does not have a ton of money, and I've seen her struggle during the holidays before to buy gifts for everyone. She also typically buys stuff for us that we don't want or need; I learned early on to fake excitement.. Sister Samantha? Not so much. There was one year Grandma bought us a horrible smelling perfume from Avon, and Samantha (age 8?) flat out told her she didn't want it.

But this time Grandma had been saving. She was so excited; she said she went to the ATM yesterday and saw that she had $600 in her account to spend. I had it all planned in my head; first we'd stop for brunch at Tex and Shirley's where I would overeat chocolate chip pancakes. Then we'd start at Bath and Body Works, and then cover 400 other stores before we'd collapse in Starbucks with all of our bags. Bliss.

She had $5 and change in her account.

Panic. Where was her money? Did someone steal it? Did Grandpa take it out this morning? Why would he? She couldn't believe it, and so we drove to 2 more ATMs to check the balance. $5. So we sat in the parking lot and she freaked out. "Do you want to go home and talk to Grandpa?" No. "Do you want to do some shopping then?" No. "Ok, are you hungry?" No.

So we sat until she decided that going home was a good idea. Maybe Grandpa could explain what happened?

They live "in the country," as we say in the south. Things aer "down yonder," or if you are feeling particularly fancy, "over yonder." "Keeping childrens" means baby-sitting. Sometimes you have to stop driving because cows or horses get loose and roam in the road. This is not the North Carolina I am from, but it is the North Carolina my grandparents live in and were raised in.

It takes almost an hour to cross the My North Carolina vs/ Her North Carolina line. When we got there, Grandpa didn't know about the money. He has no idea where it went. It's a weekend and they can't get a print out of their transactions, as their credit union is closed and they don't even know about online banking. They do not have internet, or a computer, or any knowledge of how these things work.

$5. FIVE DOLLARS. Is this their only account? Or is this a special account that they were saving money in for gifts. FIVE DOLLARS. I look in their fridge and it's empty. FIVE DOLLARS, HOW ARE THEY GOING TO EAT FOR FIVE DOLLARS? It is the beginning of December, and they do not receive their social security checks until January. Five. dollars.

My grandparents have always been "poor." When I say poor, I do not mean starving children in developing countries poor; I mean they worked from their early teens as long as their bodies held out and they still do not own anything. I mean that they might skip a doctor's appointment because even with government assistance, a visit is $35 and they can't pay that sometimes.

What do you do? Do you say "oh that is not good!" and leave? No, of course not. These are my grandparents, my grandparents who have wiped the butts daily of all their grandchildren and who gave me and William a thousand dollars when they did come into some money. That thousand dollars saved our asses once. You don't leave them there. Even if you yourself are considered poorish. These are the people who always open their home to people in need. People who have taken in their mentally disabled son again, even after he caused them bodily harm.

I convinced everyone we needed lunch, and I look them to Steak and Shake where I made everyone order milkshakes. I then charged that meal to my lovely credit card, because that meal was more important than my never-ending credit card debt. And then we went to Wal-Mart where I bought them groceries because I was so worried about what they would eat. Cheese, bread, bologna, chips, breakfast bars, bananas, potatoes, soup. It won't last long, but at least it is something in their house.

I have always been ashamed of their poverty. I assumed I would not get married until they died because it would be very painful seeing them try to interact with people who were not raised on a farm, and who have money to spend on things like food and new clothes. It would be an embarrassment to me. I was worried about inviting them to my middle, high school, and college graduation. Samantha still worries about this. It's horrible of us, and I try to get over it. I feel terrible about myself that I am self-conscious about their poverty. I am better, I have been getting better, but that shame is still there. i love them to tears.; they are so loving and so kind. And they are poor.

the end of november

2011-11-30T21:02:00.000-05:00

Hallelujah, it's the last day in November, meaning that I no longer will be posting every single damn day. It was difficult! I knew it would be.

I wrote 14,037 words in November. I posted each day. I wrote even when I didn't want to, and I think it was probably good for me, right? Sometimes I felt like I was even boring myself with my posts, but that's ok I'm just glad I made it!

In other news, we are ending this month with my husband coming home from work and letting me know that he is so happy at his job. I think his paycheck today really cemented this.

Things are so getting better. Just gotta keep going.

Another Pinterest find

pinteresting day

2011-11-30T15:28:00.000-05:00

My plans changed at the last minute today and I was left with hours to fill before hubs returned from work and we left to have dinner with J and Dylan. Perfect time to try some stuff from Pinterest!

First I made these yummy S'mores Cookie Bars. I pretended that they were for dessert today, but really, I just wanted them. I've only tried them warm, so who knows if they are any good not warm, but they were delicious. I don't even like marshmallow fluff, but it somehow tastes just like campfire marshmallows when you bake it in the over. I could totally see myself baking a pan of marshmallow fluff. I'm a freak that way.

Mine did not look this good.
Recipe and picture from the blog: Lovin' From the Oven

Ingredients:

1/2 cup butter, room temperature
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 large egg
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/3 cups all purpose flour
3/4 cup graham cracker crumbs
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
2 king-sized milk chocolate bars (e.g. Hershey’s)
1 1/2 cups marshmallow creme/fluff (not melted marshmallows)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease an 8-inch square baking pan.
In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until light. Beat in egg and vanilla. In a small bowl, whisk together flour, graham cracker crumbs, baking powder and salt. Add to butter mixture and mix at a low speed until combined.
Divide dough in half and press half of dough into an even layer on the bottom of the prepared pan. Place chocolate bars over dough. 2 king-sized Hershey’s bars should fit perfectly side by side, but break the chocolate (if necessary) to get it to fit in a single layer no more than 1/4 inch thick. Spread chocolate with marshmallow creme or fluff. Place remaining dough in a single layer on top of the fluff (most easily achieved by flattening the dough into small shingles and laying them together).
Bake for 30 to 35 minutes, until lightly browned. Cool completely before cutting into bars.

Nom nom nom. I smell like brown sugar!

........................................

The second thing I tried was a pore/face mask. This was totally free for me to make, holla. If you are eating, I suggest putting down the food while you look at the following nasty pictures.

Here's the recipe:

1 Tablespoon Unflavored Gelatin
1 1/2- 2 Tablespoons Milk {any kind}

You mix them. You put them in the microwave (in a disposable cup for easy clean up) for 15-20 seconds. Watch the microwave; I didn't, and mine bubbled over. It will be hot, too hot if you let it bubble over. Put it on your face, neck, or wherever you want your skin to look poreless. It's going to smell sort of like baby vomit; ignore that.

You have to put it on immediately or else it will turn into gelatin (I'd use something besides your fingers to put it on because it'll start sticking and clumping and making a mess.). It will start to tighten and feel like a Biore pore strip, but ON YOUR FACE. You are done in about 15 minutes, or whenever it becomes too unbearable. Peel it off! Some people said this hurt, but it didn't hurt me at all. Magic!

Did it work? I don't know. People are swearing by it, but I have no clue if my pores are smaller. My face is super duper smooth and soft, so I'm hoping?

This is what it looks like when you put it on. Sexy, right?

And when you peel it off. Suggestion: do this in a bathroom!

what i'm reading now, part 39

2011-11-30T11:04:00.003-05:00

Ok, this has been another month that I really sucked. It was a combination of hubs stealing my books, books being overdue, and general laziness on my part! Ugh. Bad Julie. Anyway... many of these books will return in the future since I didn't get a chance to read them. Oh well.

I started this one last night and am almost finished with it. It. is. amazing. Go read it, ASAP.

And here are my totals:

Totals:
November: 6
October: 8
September: 11
August: 11
July: 13

June- 10

May- 10
April- 8
March- 10
February- 14
January- 27

Year total: 128

And since the next day is December (WHAT? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!), here are my firsties for this month:

if you're gonna act like a turd, go lay in the yard

2011-11-29T22:33:00.000-05:00

THAT lovely saying is something I've been seeing on Pinterest a lot lately, and I hated it until today when I really understood it. You know, if you insist on acting like a turd, maybe you should stop and go lay in the yard. It really makes perfect sense to me.

Also, I was apparently a bitch today. It is a testament to my recent A+, super duper mental health lately that I am not in a corner bawling about it. In fact, I'm already sort of over it! I think I just have to realize people are always going to consider me "bitchy" because I stick up for myself and because I don't let people treat me like a turd.

Gosh, I just wrote a whole page and deleted it. I'm not even going to go into the details. Bottom line, I might have insulted a friend today. I most certainly pissed off Marley after asking her to not treat me like shit.

Have you ever heard the expression "don't bite the hand that feeds you?" You know, meaning when people are nice and helpful and give you things, perhaps you shouldn't bite, er, be mean to them. I feel like I do so fucking much for that girl. I love her, and am happy to so these things. She does stuff for me, too! It's a nice relationship most of the time. But the thing is, when someone literally takes classes for you just to help you out... maybe you shouldn't yell at them in front of their family-in-law calling them "rude." Especially when they weren't trying to be rude and told you so. Especially when this person is your sister and you are supposed to love her and not be mean.

The worst part is... usually I get upset about arguments with her and this time, I am not. She was being ridiculous! She then told me through texts that I was being immature for cussing and for using humor to help the situation. Apparently, she no longer likes either of these things. Really, she was just pissed and wanted to attack me. Whatever. I am just so tired of people thinking it's ok to do this, that its fine to expect people to treat you a certain way when you don't reciprocate.

Whatever. I have to let it go. When she's ready to be friendly again, I'll be here waiting. Maybe she won't this time... but I think it would be her loss just as much as it would be mine.

(I never know how to handle this crap. Why can't we just be nice to each other and when we aren't, apologize? That's all I want.)

........

In other news, we saw Sanjay Gupta tonight! I have had a crush on him since I was a freshman in college, when I used to watch CNN like 12 hours a day. He's even more charming and adorable and intelligent in person. I even like saying his name... Sanjayyyyyyyyyyy Guuuuptaaaaa!

skirts only

2011-11-28T16:31:00.000-05:00

I regularly read blogs written by fundamentalist women from around the world, and one of the common topics is modesty. Ick, I hate the way they talk about modesty, all "I have to cover up as much as possible so I don't cause a man to lust after me!" Listen, bitches, it isn't your responsibility to look a certain way for ANYONE. You do not have to be pretty, you do not have to be modest, you should dress how you are comfortable and ignore everyone else. Capiche?

Many of these women are skirts only, meaning that pants are evil because they show your butt and legs and should therefore only be worn by men (hello? are men not supposed to be modest, too? double standard much?). I find it hilarious that I have something in common with them... because if you didn't know, DRUMROLL....

I'm basically skirts only, myself.

This has nothing to do with modesty and everything to do with comfort. Pants just aren't comfortable for me. I'm barely over 5 feet, and I have curves, so it's difficult finding pants that fit comfortably. It's a given that if I buy pants, they go straight to a tailor to hem. And I don't know if I'm the only one with this problem, but it seems like I can't get my pants to stay up. Seriously! Belts don't even help.

So, yes, I wear skirts most of the time. I do have a few pairs of pants (one pair of expensive jeans, one pair of gross greenish khaki cargo pants, and a pair of brown cords) but I always prefer skirts. It's so much cooler, and I'm always hot, so it works perfectly. Plus, I like that skirts can be patterned and pants, not so much. I just feel so much more comfortable in skirts. Listen, this has nothing to do with trying to look girlie. I am not trying to look a certain way, I'm just trying to look and feel as "Julie" as possible.

One negative side affect of wearing skirts only, and especially long ones, is that I sometimes look like I'm part of a cult or something. In the winter, I try to find long skirts, and those look very "we homeschool for religious reasons." Here is a pretty typical outfit, for when I'm forced to leave the house (in the house, I'm in PJs. Always.) Skirt, cardigan, undershirt because my boobs are huge and you can always see them through the buttons in cardigans, and flats. I didn't do anything "dressy" today; I had lunch with Lindsay and walked around and shopped for a bit. Then came home. So no, I am not "dressed up." This is just how I dress.

Cardi- Old Navy sale, last year; Skirt- Gap outlet for $15

Flats- $15 from Old Navy; Pasty white legs- free!

You should never leave the house without a (manic) smile!

I wonder if there are other liberal atheists out there in the world who dress in skirts only? Or maybe I'm the only one...

my skin & north korea

2011-11-27T21:08:00.000-05:00

{two topics that do not go together in any logical way.}

I am woefully ignorant about North Korea. I don't know if I learned about North Korea in school and did not retain the information, or if somehow it was never covered... either way, I recently realized how little I know and had to find out all I could. I guess I miss school, so I gave myself a little project.

Oh, boy! I've been looking at travel guides, memoirs, websites, travel agencies, everything- and I am seriously in shock. I mean, I had a vague (very vague) sense that North Korea was "bad" and that people were "oppressed." I had no idea however that you can be put to death for carrying around religious material; that government officials come check the inside of your home to make sure that everyone in your area has painted their interior rooms the same color (what?!); that even soldiers in their army die of starvation. I had no idea that I could travel to North Korea, but only if I pass inspection first and that I would not be allowed to leave my hotel without a North Korean official guide. I had no idea that you were only allowed to travel to ONE city, and that you can't take any pictures that might be construed as portraying NK in a negative way. Also, you can't go unless you agree to bow to a statue of Kim Jong-iL. What the what? This exists in a world? Somehow I am able to wrap my mind around people all over the world starving to death (I don't understand WHY we don't do something about it, but I understand that it happens) but the thought that someone controls every single aspect of your life... I can't comprehend. I can't wait to keep reading.

...............................

Ack, ok, I have about 2 weeks before I am seeing the dermatologist and I am so, so ready. I try to ignore my skin issues as much as possible but it sometimes gets the better of me and then I can only think of it. It's almost like an OCD thing; I have these obsessive thoughts about finally getting them removed and then I have the compulsive action of constantly touching them, as in I can't stop. It finally makes me so annoyed that I think that I am just going to cut them off myself right this second. I got so close last night... I seriously had sanitized something sharp and had it against my neck before I realized that was going to hurt like a bitch and perhaps I shouldn't do it myself. Whew. Without further ado, here is the right side of my neck. Remember, this is only ONE side of my neck. I have 2 or 3 on the other side, as well as 2 that I've accidentally removed myself. EGADS. Beware, this is nasty.

Do you see that black dot between 7 and 8? Possible cancer.

And here is my under arm:

You can't really even see how dark this rash thing is under my arm; the flash whited it out a bit. It's really dark. I don't know what the fuck it is, but I've had it forever. It's under both arms, on my tummy, my chest, and now starting around my neck. I've seen dermatologists before and they also don't know what it is. When I go in for my appointment in two weeks, I think I'm going to sing that "You're My Only Hope" song to the doctor.

deliciously happy

2011-11-26T23:21:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is, but I am a happy girl. Nothing particularly special has happened; I've just had a series of good days, and feel so content right now. I started the day by having lunch with the Silvermans, hubs, and Poppy. Grammy snuck off to a craft fair (without inviting me, that whore) and so we got to hang with Poppy. I know I gush about him a lot, but I can't help it, I just genuinely love that old man. Whenever I see him, I get this rush of affection that I never feel for anyone else. It's a completely different kind of love. I don't know if it is because I recognize that our time with him is very limited, or if it is because he is so sassy, or if it is because of his wrinkly face or old age.... but gosh, I just want to hug him. I get warm fuzzies watching hubs care for his Poppy. Like today, watching hubs help Poppy in and out of the car, make sure he orders something for lunch he will enjoy, and of course, dressing alike as they do every Carolina game (Grammy puts Poppy in Carolina colors on game days, and hubs of course dresses himself in one of his many UNC shirts). Poppy is also delighted when hubs comes downstairs in a UNC shirt; he makes sure to tell William each time how much he likes his shirt. I love those boys.

I swoon when he calls me honey.. even if it is because
he can't remember my name.

And OH, it is always a good day when I get my library account settled (I owed TWELVE dollars this time). I haven't been reading much; just another phase. The books that have captured my attention have been loooong, so I haven't gone through many and that is discouraging. I was feeling all crabby about this until I paid my bill, renewed my books, and picked up my holds- now I'm excited again. I have one that is a dystopia re-telling of "The Scarlett Letter" and I can't wait!

We ended our day with a visit with our favorite boys, J. and Dylan and Baxter. We saw an awful $1 movie ("Abduction" with Taylor Lautner) and ate more brownies. And snuggled with Baxter, of course. Then I came home and got some lovin' from my William.

I think I'm also so content because I have stuff to do. Sunday is the day we prepare for the week, and now that hubs at least is working, I do everything possible to make sure it goes smoothly. I iron his clothes, make sure our rooms are clean, grocery shop, whatever needs to be done. It's the least I can do if I'm not working, and I really enjoy feeling that I'm contributing somehow. Lindsay is in town and I have plans to see her Monday. Tuesday I am old man-sitting Poppy and his fellow ancient person, Mr. Snitzer, while their wives go funeral hopping in Raleigh. It's so nice to feel needed. I've missed responsibility and a sense of purpose.

And that was my day. I can't wait to get in bed and snuggle and read. I am a lucky girl. Rinse and repeat.

squeaking by!

2011-11-25T23:59:00.003-05:00

oh hello, 11:59. I am just barely going to make blogging today! Whew. Close call.

We are so exhausted after a full day of shopping (nothing crazy, we didn't even mean to shop today, it just sort of happened... and we used gift cards we already had to buy gifts for family for the holidays. score!), eating (Friday night dinner at the Silvermans and company), riding around with Rachel and Marley while they sing at the top of their lungs and get tons of stares (I really, really love feeling 19 again, as I always do with them), and finally going over to J. and Dylan's, where a very naughty puppy named Baxter chewed threw the strap on my bag AND threw my necklace. Good thing he's so cute. It's seriously a testament to my love for Baxter that I'm not even annoyed right now. I could gush about them all night; I really am so, so thankful for them in my life. They too are being (through force) very conservative with their money, but we manage to turn a night of making brownies and just talking into something fun. I see many night like this, along with dollar movies and anything free, in our future. It sucks that we are all so broke, but I'm glad we aren't the only ones who can't afford to go to expensive dinners and movies and such.

We're talking about going to the mountains for New Year's, me, hubs, J., Dylan, and Baxter of course! Sledding, snow, tubing, shopping (or window shopping, in our case), snuggling on the couch... that sounds like the perfect end to a crazy year. Hubs has always disliked New Year's... it's just another day to him. I, on the other hand, overcompensate and want to make the celebration perfect. To me, it should sum up all of your hopes for the next year. Maybe that is why the past year has been so awful- last New Year's we literally did nothing that involved moving from the couch. Pathetic.

I have high hopes for 2012; I have to.

thankful for

2011-11-24T20:49:00.000-05:00

my family, even when they drive me crazy; grammy and poppy and the beautiful house they provide for us; all of the meals they prepare or pay for; my darling husband who just shook his naked butt at me; a library that continuously has new reading material; my DVR and cable; the few friends we do have that we can count on; hubs' kickass new job where they are already talking about hiring him full-time; the adorable clothes he wears to work; the old lady nightgown i am currently wearing in bed; sisters; friends on the internet that make me feel less alone; hope.

homemade hair conditioning crap

2011-11-23T20:12:00.000-05:00

My hair has been a frizzy mess since moving back to NC (and um, maybe before), so when I saw this easy peasy conditioning stuff on Pinterest I had to try it.

It's very scientific. We only had super expensive honey and fancy olive oil,
or else I would have made more!

It's suggested you wait at least 30 minutes but is most effective overnight.
No way could I stand that. I waited a little longer than a "One Tree Hill" episode
and it was driving me insane.

I had to shampoo twice to make my hair not icky.

But it was worth it! My hair is super soft
and no tangles!

Ta-da!

Occupy Twilight

2011-11-22T16:56:00.000-05:00

First, the good news: I have an dermatology appointment to deal with my f'ed up skin! December 9, 11:30am, I will have these babies cut off. I'm thrilled! I am not thrilled, however, that they apparently can't deal with all my dermatology issues in one visit. Is this just a way to extract another $90 from me? At this point, screw it. I don't care. I just want my skin to not drive me insane! Woohoo.

Also good news: I just got back from spending time with Samantha, and we didn't argue or anything. It's amazing. We went to lunch and saw the new "Twilight." There was some awkwardness. There was some of her telling me how obnoxious I am in a totally non-joking voice; and there was some of her asking why the hell I'm so enthusiastic to see her. Truth is, I just love her. She's my sister. So even though she is sort of annoying and definitely a bitch, I will keep being overly enthusiastic and driving her insane. She can get over it. BOOYAH.

The bad news: I got so upset last night because of something on facebook. This is why I need to not have facebook: people who are not involved in my life have the ability to hurt me via the internet. There is a girl that I was in my masters program with. We were never friends; in fact, she seemed pretty snobby. I remember her constantly mentioning that her father was a judge, as if anyone cares. She also announced in class one day she was moving to "the country of Africa" for full-time volunteer work. I only mention that so that I remember that she isn't some brilliant thinker or anything.

Anyway.

She had a status up about Occupy Wall Street. I've been struggling to write about OWS because I still am not sure what I think about it. I appreciate much of what they do; I can support drawing attention to the issues they draw attention to. Especially because I'm unemployed. And especially because I care about the abuses that Wall Street and our government continue to perpetrate. The status annoyed me, though, so I commented on it. Not even in a snarky way, I just asked her a few questions. This was her status:

I remember asking my parents if they protested the Vietnam war, they said no because they were too busy working to support a family and get my Dad through law school. Similarly I am working to put myself through school so that I may one day enact change that will create a more equitable society...not standing outside with a sign voicing my opinion on what I think the issue is. Occupiers go home, get an education and better yourselves.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. First off, protesting is not just "standing outside with a sign." Protesting is an important political tool that has enacted change throughout history, especially America's history.

This is just one of thousands of pictures I could show. Get the point? Protesting is vital. It is our right. It is necessary.

I was miffed by that. I was also annoyed that she assumed all of the OWS protesters "needed an education" and needed to "better themselves." The economy is AWFUL. It is incredibly difficult to find a job- ANY JOB- even with an education. Hello? I have a masters degree, and I can't seem to get hired anywhere.

So I commented with:

Ouch. What about those of us who have received all of their higher education and simply can't find jobs? And can't afford to return to school? Do you think protesting ever has a purpose, or is it just OWS that you don't agree with?

And she wrote back:

I totally support protesting, but not when the protestors can't even come to a consensus on what they are protesting about. The overall disorganization makes a mockery of a very serious issue. As far as jobs go, it is a shame when someone w...ith higher education cannot find a job in their field, but as I firmly believe, there are jobs out there, it's just a matter of whether it is a job you want or feel you are "not above". The price of education is ridiculous, I completely agree with that..in fact, I bet someone on Wall Street is fuming about it right now

Excuse me while I go mutter in the corner. What the fuck? Is she seriously suggesting that I'm not trying to find a job because I am unwilling to accept something that is "below me?" What. a. bitch. WHAT A BITCH.

I wrote back:

I agree that the lack of organization is a problem. I find it offensive, however, that you would assume that those without jobs are simply declining to work based on feelings of being above the work. The fact is that the number of available... jobs is low. My husband and I, two college educated+ people, have gladly accepted any job offered to us in the past six months of unemployment, whether it be restaurant service work or retail. It is not an issue of feeling "above" the work; obviously I hope to one day have a permanent social work job, but would happily accept minimum wage just to have something coming in. I'm glad you aren't familiar with this, as it means you are doing well, but please don't diminish those of us who are truly struggling in this horrid economy.

Look, it was not easy to write that. It isn't easy to admit that you are the one struggling while others are doing great. It isn't easy to share on facebook that you are unemployed, and poor, and angry about it all. Not easy. It's especially not easy to share with someone that seems to be spoiled and supported in all that she does; it makes it even harder when people you know, FRIENDS, "like" her status and therefore agree that I'm just a lazy bum who deserves to be unemployed. And struggling.

And you know what? It went on. She said something; I said something. Then I ended it, because it was getting ridiculous. Of course, her friends liked her comments. No one liked mine.

I was so hurt. I try. William tries. All the unemployed people? We all try. For her to just dismiss all that struggle because that isn't HER experience makes me so angry and so sad. She is supposed to be a freaking social worker, and here she is acting like a goddamn Republican. I was so disappointed; I still am. It's hard to even think about because is this how everyone feels? Am I the only person who is struggling? I took comfort in knowing that there were many like me out there... and now it feels like I've been pretending, that people aren't struggling... that it is just me.

I am writing this, and then I am burying it. I might not agree with all that OWS does or says, but I absolutely do not agree at all that unemployed people in our ecnomoy are lazy and entitled. Fuck her and everyone who feels that way. I am so glad that my heart is bigger than that, and that my values are better than that.

day 21, and I have nothing to write about

2011-11-21T20:30:00.000-05:00

Hi, blog. I really don't have anything to say. I'm just sitting here in bed with hubs watching that new dinosaur show, Terra Nova. It's sort of dumb and sort of interesting... and I have pumpkin cheesecake, which keeps me happy. Grammy and Poppy came home today after a weekend away, and hubs is quite displeased. He had his first day at his new job today, and I think it went well. Likes: his own office, an official email address, getting paid mileage, a badge to bypass the lines at the courthouse. He feels cool. He looked awfully cute today, dressed in his new business casual wardrobe. That boy, I realized, has way more clothes than I do, and way better quality too. Whatevs, husband.
Oh! Oh my god. I woke up last night in pain when blood all over my damn hands. Apparently I itched on my neck and managed to TEAR OFF ANOTHER MOLE THINGY. (They aren't really moles. They are skin tags.) I have an appointment at Duke reserved for January but I'm cancelling it; for just over $100, I can have all of them removed. So, I should be able to resolve all of my derm issues for under $300. Not that we have that to spend, but I can charge it. It has to be worth it. I must start taking better care of myself.

I finished "The Baby Thief" today. Here's a quote that just disturbs me.... social workers becoming social workers for the wrong reasons coupled with the way adoption was perverted and yet many of the perversions stay in 2011.... just sad.

"Social workers more altruistic than she were soon persuaded that the "best interest" of poor, illegitimate children was adoption. These benefits came to be considered so great, and their absence so punitive, that single mothers who wanted to keep their babies were considered selfish. And while it was usually only Georgia and her later imitators who literally stole such children, social workers throughout the country began urging single women to relinquish their babies, supposedly out of love for them."

......................................

Gosh, I'm boring when I'm happy.

i smell really good....

2011-11-20T19:24:00.000-05:00

... thanks to oatmeal body wash. Seriously, I don't even like oatmeal, but I want to eat myself. Ew. Speaking of my weird body, I sort of tore a mole off my neck today. That is not a joke. We were watching "Contagion" at the $1 theater and it was bothering me- actually it's been bothering me for awhile. It sort of hurts like when your skin feels really dry? It's that dull ache when you stretch the dry skin? Yeah, I had that. Anyway, it was bothering me, so I kept scratching it, and then it was in my hand. I didn't know what to do! I turned to hubs and mumbled "ummm, I just tore a mole off" and he didn't seem even slightly impressed, so I found a place in my purse to keep it to show it to him later. He still didn't care/want to see it, and then I dropped it somewhere in his car, so now there is a little bit of me in that car forever. Ew, right?

This made me think about how it would be absolutely hilarious to get all of my 15 neck moles removed and to keep the ones that don't need to be sent to pathology. I could have like a canister of moles. Then I could anonymously mail them to people I am not fond of, to freak the hell out of them. It's a solid plan!

Ok, that's enough about moles.

Last night actually went well. I'm always so shocked.

It was sort of awkward in that Ray basically ignored me, which was fine because I was SO ignoring him first. Also, I tried to make my mother at least a little sympathetic to the fact that I have potentially cancerous moles (sorry, again with the moles) on my body, but she didn't care except to say that I needed to get them removed because they weren't attractive. Thanks, mom, that's what I wanted. This was the first time I've seen her in over a month, so I decided I was going to play it cool like it's no big deal when your mom lives 3 minutes away but chooses not to see you, except I am not cool and blurted out "Mom, whydidn'tyoueveninvitemeandWilliamtoThanksgivingatyourhouse, thatissomeanandhurtsmyfeelings and howcomeyoualwaysgotodinnerwithSamanthabutnoonebotherstoaskme?" All in one breathe. As usual, my mom just assumed I didn't want to go, so didn't bother to invite me. Now, I don't really want to go, but it sucks that I wasn't invited. Long story short, we're going. Oh, joy. Then we're doing Thanksgiving with hubs' family at dinner. I said last year I would never do it again, that two Thanksgivings is just too much, but here I am again.

Sydney was so cute last night. Ben and Grandma were blowing out the candles on the cake and when they were done she clapped and said "YAY BEN!" That child is too sweet and girly; she is not going to survive in that house.

I think it would be neat to have a small person follow me around all day yelling "YAY JULIE" whenever I did anything. That's what parenthood is like, right? heh.

mama drama

2011-11-19T16:44:00.000-05:00

My mother drives me insane. It is so hard for me to accept that I can't depend on her, and never will be able to. We were supposed to have dinner and cake tonight for my grandma's birthday. It was just cancelled because my grandfather doesn't feel well, which is understandable since he's, you know, been in rhe hospital twice in the past 2 months. No biggie. I offered to take dinner and cake and presents over to my grandma, since they wouldn't be able to come out. She seemed relieved; I know she was looking forward to celebrating her day with us, and this way, it wasn't ruined. Then I made the mistake of telling my mom, because I wrongly figured perhaps she would like to come. Oh nooo. Instead, she basically freaks out and doesn't understand why they can't make the effort to come over here for cake, at least. Oh, mother. Then i get a lecture on how I am doing TOO much by offering dinner; they are happy with their cheese sandwiches they are eating for dinner. Um... ok, mom. Whatever. It's out of my hands now, so I need to let it go, but this is why it's so damn hard to do anything nice in my family. As soon as my mom gets involved, she somehow ruins it.

This is why you shouldn't even try to be nice.

lewis black is a filthy mofo

2011-11-18T17:32:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited that we're going to see comedian Lewis Black (of The Daily Show fame) tonight! I purchased the tickets ages ago for hubs for our 1 year marriage anniversary, which is fantastic because obviously we wouldn't be able to afford them now. I love filthy comedian, and I expect I will be laughing quite a bit tonight... for once. Yay! I read an article in the paper earlier about Lewis Black; he apparently went to UNC while UNCG (my alma mater) was still women only; he said the only reason he isn't still a virgin is because of UNCG. HAHA. I love it. This, and the mention of UNCG in one of the "Ender's Game" books are the only instances of my beloved school in popular culture! Woop. Ok, I must go iron and paint my nails so that I look fresh and pretty for Lewis.

9 years ago...

2011-11-17T18:24:00.000-05:00

Exactly nine years ago today, hubs and I held hands for the first time. We had been friends for awhile and it was slowly building. Along with a friend (who we don't talk to anymore, of course), we went to see Bruce Springsteen. It was also the same night I met his dad for the first time. Anyway, after the concert, we were driving around with friend Chloe and basically doing that "I'm going to look longingly into your eyes for a few seconds at a time and then blush and turn away." Chloe dumbly decided she wanted to ride in the trunk of the car, so we're driving around with her in the trunk and all of a sudden, I just did it. I held his hand. I WAS FREAKING OUT SO BAD. Anyway, the next day we met up again to do "homework" at the library and ended up making out in the library parking garage for 5 hours. That was the start of something awesome.

I can't find any scanned photos from that time, but we were really, really young. So young. Young love! I'm so glad I was brave enough to hold his hand.

rumour has it

2011-11-16T21:23:00.001-05:00

It's been a long and rainy day. I don't control the weather, but the loooong part is my fault- I didn't fall asleep until approximately 4am because I needed to finish "We Need to Talk About Kevin," which was chilling and heart-breaking all at once. Misery is an apt description of the way I was feeling when my alarm sounded this morning.

In a very unexpected twist, hubs woke to a phone call from Cheryl, a close family friend. She owns her own law practice in Greensboro, and an assistant position was open. He went and interviewed with one of her lawyers, and an hour later had a new job. And a good mood. He starts Monday! It isn't full-time, nor does it pay half of what he made doing the same sort of work in DC, but it's something that he can put on his resume. Even more exciting, he'll finally have references for jobs; he just never had anyone before. This is such great news; he was so excited. They even said a more important position might open up, and in case it does, he would be considered; they admitted he is way over-qualified for what he will be doing but he really doesn't give a damn. Finally, after 6 months, one of us is making over minimum wage. Even if it isn't much over, it's making us both feel hopeful.

.......

We visited my grandparents; grandpa seems to be doing much better. Sydney was freaking adorable as ever, and she's finally saying our names and warming up to us quickly. Grandma's birthday is this weekend, and after the party I threw for Grandpa, I knew/wanted to do something special for her, too. Grammy and Poppy are in town, so we don't exactly have a space to do anything, but I figured we would take her to dinner and make her happy with cake and gifts. As I was planning the whole thing, she announced that it would be nice if we all could go to dinner, meaning my mom, dad, Ray and Katie, and the kiddos. Gag. I've been avoiding Ray and my mom like the fucking plague; after the crappy way they both treated me at Grandpa's birthday, I've backed off so far that we're basically on different planets. But anything for my grandma, I guess. So I steeled myself and called my mom, telling her what grandma wanted. She agreed, and we're all doing dinner Saturday with cake at her house after. I'm bringing the cake. And my sparkling personality. I am determined not to leave this dinner in tears, which means I will speak of nothing important and basically ignore everyone over 5 and under 65.

........................................

I had the absolute pleasure (THIS IS SARCASM) to speak with a debt collector about our last apartment. I was trying to squeeze in a nap before dinner, but dude called me and then hubs, so I figured I needed to just get it over with. He was appallingly rude. I don't know why it continues to shock me. After being talked over, interrupted, and basically treated like a child, I loudly declared that he does NOT GET TO SPEAK TO ME THIS WAY. Goddammit. Who are these people who go into such horrible jobs? He decided that I was really saying "I refuse to pay this debt" and flat out told me that it was going on our credit report and that it would be noted in the "system" that I was not cooperating. Oh, boy. "YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO SAY THAT I WILL NOT PAY THE DEBT. WHAT I SAID WAS THAT THE VALIDITY OF THE DEBT IS BEING CHALLENGED." I don't think it helped at all. I was strong during the conversation but the water works appeared after we hung up; I just don't know why this doesn't go away. THEY keep ignoring all my efforts, so why do they get to just randomly decide everything? Bastards. We are calling the "Customer Care" line of the apartment company tomorrow; this will do nothing, I'm sure. I basically think we're going to end up paying it, if only to save hubs' credit since mine is fucked and we might want to rent or buy a house someday. I don't know. We can't afford it, obviously, but we can put it on our credit card and be done with it. I guess. I want to throw up just thinking about giving them money, but I'm trying to think LONG TERM here.
..........................

Aunt Janet died last night. I never met her, but her husband is the sweetest man ever. We're not going to Savannah for the funeral, but Mama and Papa Silverman are.

..................................

William has a job. Relief.

changes

2011-11-15T20:28:00.000-05:00

Stream of consciousness:

My grandpa is out of the hospital; they couldn't find anything wrong with him. I've been totally freaking out about this mole I have that is turning black (BLACK!), and called the health department today. Even with no income at all, it is $30 something to see a doctor. I'm lucky to be able to pay it but what the hell happens when someone doesn't? I don't know what to do; the health department will simply have to refer me to a dermatologist, and then I will have to pay at least $40 to see that person. Or, I could just go straight to a dermatologist, which with no insurance will cost about $100. But is it worth it to not have to jump through hoops to be able to go soon? If I go to the health department, I will first have to go to the DMV to have my ID card changed, as I never changed it over to NC from VA. Then I have to wait for it to come, and then I can make an appointment.... because without proof that I am an NC resident, those fuckers don't want me coming. Ok, thanks guys. I'll just sit over here and slowly die from skin cancer. So, the derm fee is not what I'm worried about, I am worried about all the rest of that shit- chopping off the damn mole, sending it away for testing, giving me the shot so that I do not die of pain when the mole is chopped off, any blood work they need to do, not to mention any tests they need to run on the rest of my weird skin for my MANY AND VARIOUS weird skin conditions. Ugh, this is a mess. This is probably why health insurance is a good idea.. if only I could afford that. We are going to end up going even more into debt from this, and we are seriously almost at our limit of how much debt a person can get into without fainting from the weight of that damn debt.

Enough about health.

Lately, Marley has been distant. She will deny it, and she will probably be pissed when she sees this, but she knows that I think she's been distant. I understand; she's busy whereas I certainly am not. It's natural that she's going to want to be with her group of education majors. I remember fondly my own years as an intern in college, and how great it was to commiserate with the other social work interns over our horrible instructors and jobs and work. This is good, normal, healthy and I'm glad she has friends in her major. (Sorry, I just needed to get that out. This isn't a "WAHH why isn't Marley spending all of her time with me" type of post at all.) Anyway, she's been changing a lot this semester, like a lot a lot. It seems like every single time I see her, something is different: the way she dresses.... the way she talks.... she started drinking... and stopped caring about school... she didn't ever want to seem to come over.... etc. I've tried talking to her about it before but I don't think she really got that I was serious; she was changing. I wanted to shake her and go all "OH MY GOD, DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT YOU ARE BEING PEER-PRESSURED INTO THIS STUFF? COME ON, GIRL, SNAP OUT OF IT." Today, I got super annoyed with her, as she came over so I could help her with a paper and girl would not get off her phone, chatting and texting. Some words were exchanged. I told her she was being like Andrew (this is sort of the harshest thing we can say to one another; she's said it to me before, too!). And somehow, it all came tumbling out. There are some changes occurring in her life... some of them not so good (MARLEY STOP DRINKING SO MUCH, OK?) and some not good or bad, just different. She was finally honest with me, finally open and oh man, my little sister is growing up. Tears.

They grow up so fast.

I can't talk about the specifics because she told me not to, and so even though I am "mind fucked" as she called it, I will be vague. But I needed to somehow commemorate the day, so that in 10 years when she is old and married and boring, I can say "hey remember that day when you told me xyz and mind fucked me? Yeah?"

just love me back

2011-11-14T20:30:00.000-05:00

I am too physically and emotionally spent to do a post in any other form:

1. I'm so annoyed with my husband right now. SO ANNOYED. He was lovely today; he spent hours and hours at the hospital with me and my grandparents, and I so appreciate his kindness. But then he is sometimes really dumb, and I want to pinch him really hard. I'm just trying to ignore him as of now.

2. I called my grandma fifteen million times today. I figured she was probably dead because I couldn't reach her. When I finally did, I found out that she was with fucking uncle David, who threw a brick at her, etc. and his daughter and her boyfriend- all people who use and abuse my grandma. Nothing makes me angrier than this. She can't say no to them; when David called and wanted to visit grandpa in the hospital, she ran to get him. When they wanted to spend hours in Wal Mart, that was fine with her. THEY USE HER SO BAD. They are mean to her.. and she just keeps accepting it.

3. My grandpa is still in the hospital. They don't know anything yet. His sister's funeral is tomorrow and he can't go...

4. Sister Samantha casually mentioned that she sees mom often. Mom CALLS her.

5. My dad made me cry today by being overly stern with me and insinuating again that I am not trying hard enough to find a job.

I'm tired of only being called when there's an emergency

2011-11-13T22:19:00.000-05:00

My mother called this morning.

"Grandma is back in the hospital. He was having trouble breathing. Oh, and his sister died Thursday so maybe that has something to do with it."

"What? Have you seen him? What room is he in? Is he ok?!"

"I don't know yet."

"Ok..."

"I'll text you when I get the number."

"Ok, thanks."

"Love you."

"Love you, too."

.............................

She never texted me. I spoke to my grandma and apparently he might be in the hospital for awhile. I'm going to see him tomorrow.

P.S. Why does my mom suck so bad?

a few of my favorite things

2011-11-12T21:52:00.001-05:00

It's almost that time of year... the holiday season. This sucks because we are poor. Poor, poor, poor. As in, the amount we will spend is going to end up costing us hugely and we're cutting back. I LOVE GIVING GIFTS. I love picking out something totally adorable that I know someone will like and appreciate; I like buying darling wrapping paper; I like watching my pile of gifts to give collect under the tree. Well, except this year, because we will not have a tree. The holiday season.. ok, December... it just invokes every happy memory of being with family and friends, spending times in the mountains, playing in snow, and snuggling up with my husband. I adore it, and participate whole-heartedly in the consumerism. So-rry. I do try to buy from etsy or local as much as possible.

Anyway, I am not letting the fact that I do not have a job deter my shopping for the people I love. Nuh uh. It might be reasonable to save that money for other, more necessary expenses, but I am just too fed up with letting the fact that I am POOR AS SHIT ruin everything for me. I am going to have to shop carefully. It won't be as extravagant as I've done in the past. But I will fucking celebrate how I want to, and part of that is shopping.

That also means that I get to make a list of things I want! Christmas has always been the one time a year when my parents buy me stuff. They have always gone overboard. It's sort of ridiculous; we could take a vacation for what they spend on gifts for us. Whatevs, I need and really, really appreciate it this year since I haven't been able to buy anything fun for myself in ages.

I have my eye on:

Bright fabric necklace to cheer me up from here

LDS Temple coffee table book

Classic chambray shirt, such as this one from Old Navy

Embroidery kit from here

A trip to the dermatologist. Sigh. I have several weird skin conditions
that have not been treated... and now they are moving up from my body to
my neck to take over my face. That is NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Someone wanna fix me, thanks? Or, perhaps I could just be gifted health
insurance and then I could manage my own co-pay. Santa? Jesus?

And I keep getting an error message so I can't post any picture, but I am dying for these bow earrings
and for the Breaking Dawn: Part 1 movie soundtrack (oh, the shame! I can't help it!).
.....................
Me and Marley sat down today and figured out what we're getting for the family for Hanukkah. Mama Silverman is getting 2 charms for her Pandora bracelet; Grammy is getting a spa gift certificate; Papa Silverman is getting a gift certificate to his favorite bike shop; and Poppy is getting... I don't know. (Can anyone buy him his memory? Today he told he he was having lunch with someone from his navy unit. Uh, no Poppy, that was just a random man that sat with you at synagogue.)

What's on your wish list?

child abuse

2011-11-11T19:51:00.000-05:00

I realized today that I haven't seen or spoken to my mom for almost a month... well, I did text her at one point and ask which date my grandma's birthday was, and she responded with a number, but seriously that is the extent of our conversation. Actually, I haven't heard from anyone in my family in about a month.

Lindsay and I talked once about whether or not we think our mothers were emotionally abusive towards us, especially in our teens. My mother would cringe at the thought of being labeled "emotionally abusive," as I'm sure would Lindsay's, but there it is. Sometimes I think of our relationship and I rationalize to myself that there's no way that she was really abusive towards me. Don't all mothers and daughters argue? But then I'll see her again, and 9/10 times, I will leave the meeting feeling weepy because she has managed to destroy my self-esteem and worth. It isn't normal for mothers to tell their 17 year old daughters that they aren't worth the trouble they cause, right? (We were shopping, and I got huffy about something.)

Anyway.

This whole Penn State/sexual abuse thing has me reeling. What the fuck? I am honestly just confused as to how the students, faculty, alumni, and others can continue supporting that coach who did not appropriately report his knowledge of sexual abuse by another member of the coaching team. He knew for YEARS this was going on. How many lives were ruined? And students are rioting because their beloved coach was fired?

Know how I know I'm a good person? Because child safety > football, ALWAYS.

A newish blog on my list, I Was A Foster Kid, posted about this with some startling pictures that I want to share:

I really feel like I can't comprehend people. Thankfully.

Signed,

A Mandated Reporter Who Would Report Anyway

embarrassing moments

2011-11-10T21:05:00.000-05:00

I used to get embarrassed super easily. Being called on in class, seeing anyone from school outside of school with my parents, basically drawing any unwannted attention to myself- all things that would cause me to blush horribly. Not so much anymore, thank goodness. So these are definitely from my younger years...

1. When I was 7 or 8, my best friend Lauren and I enrolled in karate. As you can imagine, I wasn't exactly a badass ninja; in fact, when I was obtaining my yellow belt I had to break a board by hitting it with my foot. I fucking bounced off it and had to try again (I did it, I did it! My parents still have the board!). Anyway, after class one day Lauren and I were trying very hard to hang out with the cool older kids. I was acting really dumb and joking around and all of a sudden I was standing outside of the community center with my pants around my ankles. They'd slid off. I pulled them up, ran to my dad's car, and never ever spoke of this again. There were probably many tears!

2. Freshman year of high school... I remember exactly what I was wearing. Cute flared jeans, an Abercrombie tshirt, flip flops. Ah, I thought I looked hot. I walked into a computer class and sitting there was the most gorgeous 16 year old lacrosse player in the entire universe. I was instantly smitten. Like, I was going to marry him ASAP smitten. We were taking some sort of pre-test and I sat right beside my husband to be. The room was silent and my lacrosse player whispered to me- he needed me to hand him his jacket he left on a different seat. I reached out... grabbed it.. and then fell out of my chair, right on my ass, in the silent classroom in front of him. Sigh. I'm just lucky I didn't start sobbing right then.

And that's it for tonight... The Big Bang Theory is on and I can't concentrate on this writing thing.

a wedding story, part 3

2011-11-09T20:53:00.000-05:00

Back to the awful rabbi who we were working with... did I mention he was awful? After realizing perhaps we did not agree on some important issues regarding OUR wedding, I just emailed him and put it all out there. We did not want any mention of God, no prayer, and very, very minimal Hebrew if any. What he wrote back was literally the most condescending thing ever said to me. Apparently, without God, prayer and the all-important Hebrew, our wedding and marriage would not be "authentic." It would be a watered-down version of what a marriage and wedding should be, and he wanted no part in that. I believe I still have the email somewhere, but I refuse to look at it because it pisses me off so horribly. I wish my words could convey how hurt I was by this guy. He was basically our only hope of getting married by a rabbi in NC; the Silvermans wanted us to use him; and yet, he told us that what we had was not real or authentic because of our disbelief. Gag. Here was a leader in our community, a professor at a highly regarded university, and a close friend of our grandparents saying these things. He has no problem marrying a couple who one partner is Jewish and the other anything... Jewish and Christian? No problem. Jewish and Muslim? No problem. Jewish and pick-any-other-religion? Sure! But no, not us.

I was devastated. I was so pissed, but I was so hurt and this is a lethal combination. It must have been a weekend when we received his hateful email because I stayed up the entire night researching. I remember sitting in our apartment on Columbia Pike in Arlington, on the computer trying to read and just sobbing because I didn't know what to do.

And then... I discovered Humanistic Judaism. Cue the heavenly music!

From the Society for Humanistic Judaism website:

The Society for Humanistic Judaism mobilizes people to celebrate Jewish identity and culture consistent with a humanistic philosophy of life, independent of supernatural authority. As the central body for the Humanistic Jewish Movement in North America, the Society assists in organizing new communities, supporting its member communities, and in providing a voice for Humanistic Jews. Each Jew has the right to create a meaningful Jewish lifestyle free from supernatural authority and imposed tradition.
The goal of life is personal dignity and self-esteem.
The secular roots of Jewish life are as important as the religious ones.
The survival of the Jewish people needs a reconciliation between science, personal autonomy, and Jewish loyalty.

I can't even describe the feelings of relief and happiness I experienced after reading this. LOOK! We could be secular Jews and honor our history without believing in God. I cried and cried and cried when I read more about the movement. There were people out there like us. We weren't crazy and it wasn't fair to dismiss us- we have a fucking movement.

I immediately emailed the Society and explained what had happened earlier that day. I overshared like whoa; I told a perfect stranger our entire history, how we were treated by the rabbi, and how I didn't know what to do. They wrote me back the next day. Oh, the validation. I think they must get emails like mine often because they didn't even treat me like I was insane, begging for help and telling them about how rejected and sad I felt. Love these people. They gave me the name of a congregation close to my home in Greensboro and suggested I contact them. So, I did.

Then I wrote back the rabbi and let him know we would not be needing his services. Best feeling ever.

Do you think I'm ever going to get into the actual wedding? It's coming.

the day in which my life closely resembles a poorly written one tree hill episode

2011-11-08T14:11:00.000-05:00

Alan has lost it. I finally blocked him from facebook entirely last night after he sent me a formal break-up letter and let me know that he is SUCH a good friend that at my wedding (well, the night before) some of my close friends were gossiping about mine and hubs relationship and he had to literally get up and move away because he couldn't stand it. Uh huh.

There are a lot of things you can make fun of me about. I am bossy. I am stubborn. Frankly, I am not always the most pleasant person to be around. When I don't get my way, all hell will break out. I sometimes wear clothes that look awful on me. I rarely do more with my hair than wash it and brush it. I am jobless, in debt, and live with my grandparents. All of those things? Laughable. Go ahead, gossip about them; I give you permission.

The one thing no one can talk about is our relationship. It's so fucking rock solid that there is nothing to say but sit in awe that two people can have something so lovely in such a fucked up world. 9 years this month we have been together; 9 years, uninterrupted, complete devotion. There is nothing to say about our relationship.

But I don't know if Alan is lying or not. Here is what I think: if he is lying, it is not shocking since he is trying to get attention. He even went so far as to say that he would only give me details if I agreed to meet him in person. Here is another option: someone was talking shit, and that's whatever, but a true, good friend doesn't just let that go. Either way, he is trying to manipulate me a year later... either to see him, or distrust people.

I asked him to give me details, and explained that unless he didn't, this whole thing was a figment of his imagination. He ignored me and ignored me. Finally he said that no, he would not tell me anything. So, goodbye. Blocked.

At 2 am this morning he posted on his facebook a picture of a gun. Apparently he likes to shoot watermelons because of how lifelike it is, just like shooting someone in the head. He, in his words, "will not miss." He contacted Marley. He is freaking me out.

I asked him about it, after freaking out all morning. No, he says, I am not violent. It's not meant to threaten or scare you; the timing it bad.

Whatever, dude. I'm scared. And all I can think about it when Peyton was attacked by the guy she thought was her brother. I just know Alan is going to get me in a prom dress, tie me up, and then almost shoot me before a handsome dude saves me.

SIGH. What the fuck.

yawn.

2011-11-07T19:51:00.000-05:00

I am so dumb. I started slowly feeling better from this plague (common cold) but I didn't take it slow enough and now I feel sort of terrible again. It's my own damn fault. I haven't even been sleeping 8 hours a night because I had stuff to get up for the next day... and now look at me. It's 7:30 and I'm ready to pass out. And I got so dizzy in the shower this morning that I had to hold the rail for a couple of minutes until I could be trusted to keep my eyes open. Blergh.

It was back to Boone again today. Grammy had "errands" that she needed to take care of, which ended up- are you ready for this?- she needed to have Poppy's pants taken in (again, because he is literally 90 pounds) and she only wants to use this random lady in Boone. Soooo, we drove 2 hours to this woman's house in the middle of nowhere on a mountain... so Poppy could have his pants taken in. I think that someone should pay me to write a book about taking road trips with the elderly, because I have a disgusting amount of experience and expertise. First thing to know is that you must ensure the elderly take a bathroom stop before getting into the car. You should also know exactly when you will be feeding them, or else they will get cranky. Also, the older an elderly person is and how awful their driving is somehow correlates to how much they will ask to drive. True story.

We had lunch at a 1800's farmhouse, where they had sweet tea with crushed ice and CHEERWINE CHOCOLATE CAKE. Highlight of my day, for sure.

I just heard the garage door open, which means that hubs it back. I plan to go eat my cake and then snuggle the crap out of him while we watch Glee. Goodnight, and good luck!

NaBloWriMo and National Adoption Month

2011-11-06T21:27:00.000-05:00

I've posted every single day this month! All 6 of 'em. That's because I am participating in NaBloWriMo, or if you aren't obnoxious, National Blog Writing Month. My goal is to post something every day of this month; it might not always be a full post. It could be something interesting I found that day, or a thought, or anything. Despite my usually free days of nothingness, I've been pretty busy lately and have already found that posting each day is sort of hard. Oh, and I think NaBloWriMo is October? Well, here is it November. Whatevs.

It is also National Adoption Month.... and I need to write about this. Sigh. I have been putting this off for so long because it's going to be hard for me to explain.

Adoption is on my mind. It is a lot; it has been for awhile. I do not have tons of adoption experience; sure, Marley and my cousins on my dad's side are all adopted, but it isn't a thing. No one talks about it. I didn't even know my cousins were adopted until fairly recently.

And so what I'm about to say isn't meant as an insult to anyone, family or friends. I hope it doesn't offend or hurt anyone, but this is what I've recently realized....

Adoption? It sucks.

When I started getting into the world of adoption, I read blogs. Lotsa them! Blogs were great because they introduced me to the real lives of adoptive families and adoption advocates. A lot of these blogs were written by religious people, especially LDS people. Sigh. I think I was partially drawn in so badly because I have my slight obsession with Mormons, and this seemed like one area where FINALLY, I could agree with them. And then one day a few weeks ago, I discovered a totally different side of the adoption blogosphere and I was shocked. I began reading "First Mothers, Birth Mothers" forum, which led me to the truly amazing blog, Letters to Ms. Feverfew.

From First/Birth Mothers Forum, which basically sums up everything that I missed before, but SEE now:

Are we against all adoptions? No.

Some are absolutely necessary, and good. There will always be children who, for one sad reason or another, need to find a home and parents, and in many cases, they will not be family members.
We are against unnecessary adoptions whether domestic or international. In many cases, adoptions occur because mothers are not told about resources that would allow them to keep their children, nor are they cautioned about the lifelong impact adoption will have not only on themselves, but also on the children. Women are sometimes coerced into surrender by the adoption industry, prospective adoptive parents, or family members; they are pressured to sign consents within days of birth--in Alabama, Hawaii, and Washington they may sign consents prior to giving birth--well before they can recover from the effects of childbirth, and appreciate their loss; mothers are also sometimes falsely promised that they will be able to maintain contact with their children, and thus agree to an "open" adoption when they would not agree to a closed one.

I am so stupid. I'm supposed to be a social worker, for fuck's sake. And here I was, supporting adoption and adoption agencies that basically say to women "oh hi, you're poor? Not married? Then you are not good enough for your baby."

Of course, this is not the case for all adoptions, obviously. But we as a society and RELIGIONS ARE ESPECIALLY BAD ABOUT THIS, tell women they are not enough. Sick. Sick. Sick. We say that they do not deserve their children and that another person is better suited. The other person is usually better suited because they have the money to take care of a child.

Does money matter? Yes and no. Of course it is easier to raise a child when you have money. This is the main reason I don't currently have a child... because I can't afford it. Does that mean I do not deserve my own child, if I did get pregnant? Does it make someone a bad parent because they are poor? NO.

What about marriage? Of course two parents have an easier time with a child because you are able to share responsibilities... but does that make them better parents? Um, no. Should we be saying that single mothers do not deserve their children? That they should give them away because of their singleness, to someone who is married? NO.

Something that has always bothered me is how many adoptive couples do not adopt out of foster care. These are children whose parents legitimately (typically) are unable to care for them and realize this. Adopt from foster care. That's what I want to do.

But foster care comes with its own issues. To be an adoptive parent means having children in your home that you don't keep... that you may not want to keep. Is this best for the child? Why is foster care and adoption so much about what an adult wants and not what is best for the child? I've been reading the blog "I Was A Foster Kid" (looneytunes09 at wordpress dot come), and it sums up these feelings better than I can.

It's so frustrating. I am so sad that adoption is not the happy thing I thought it was.

When I realized this darker side of adoption, I wrote to the authoress of "Letters to Ms. Feverfew" and her response comforted me:

Julie -
I am the one who is rendered speechless. So few people take the time to listen to women “like me,” and even fewer of those in the helping professions care (dare?) to listen to first mothers such as myself. I cannot express my gratitude to you deeply enough – thank you for setting aside the deeply engrained cultural beliefs about adoption and opening your heart to a fuller understanding of what adoption does to families.
Like you, when my eyes were finally opened to the reality of what adoption does to mothers and children, I had the same reaction as you: OH GOD. For a long time, I didn’t think He heard me, but I am learning He has heard my cries all along and cries with me now when tears fall. And they do fall, frequently at the most unexpected moments, such as tonight. I was making dinner and my 7-year old was sitting at the table coloring a picture of his future Halloween candy stash. Out of the blue he says, “I don’t get how someone can give away their daughter! I mean – it just doesn’t make sense. Why would someone do that?” I called my husband in from the other room and said, “Honey, you want to handle that?” As he tenderly explained my story in very simple terms, I turned back to making salsa with shaking hands and a numb feeling crawling up the backs of my legs. I tried to fight back the tears but when I heard my husband telling our sweet little boy why I had given his sister away, the tears won and I just let them stream down my face.
This is what adoption does to families. It makes strangers of brothers and sisters. It makes strangers of mothers and daughters.
Thank you for you kind words about my mothering. Sometimes it is so hard for me to see that I am a good mother, because after all is said and done, I have to go to bed every night knowing I gave my daughter away. And in the words of my very wise 7-year old, how can someone “give away their daughter! I mean – it just doesn’t make sense.” He is so right. It just doesn’t make sense.
M.
P.S. If you haven’t had the chance to read it yet, you should read “The Baby Thief: The Untold Story of Georgia Tann, the Baby Seller Who Corrupted Adoption.” Tann was a social worker who…well, stole babies and corrupted adoption. Her’s is a legacy that lingers on in every altered birth certificate and sealed original birth records. The book is written by an adoptive mother and is simply eye-popping.

I have so much to learn.

what i'm reading now, part 38

2011-11-05T22:13:00.000-04:00

Totals:
October: 8
September: 11
August: 11
July: 13

June- 10

May- 10
April- 8
March- 10
February- 14
January- 27

Year total: 122

is it me or you?

2011-11-05T21:09:00.000-04:00

It has been a trying day. Trying as in I am trying to block part of it out.

I took Tylenol PM so I could sleep through my cold last night. I woke up 14 hours later to a MESS. It involves facebook, of course.

I had pictures up of the pumpkin carving and dinner me and William had at J. and Dylan's awhile ago. This was my first mistake, and BOY, isn't hindsight a friggin bitch. A few of the pictures had silly captions; some of them had comments (mostly by J. or Seemab). As of yesterday, Alan (J.'s longtime boyfriend pre-Dylan who was also a very close friend of mine and hubs, who was a groomsman in our wedding, who eventually outed J. to his parents, who we grew apart from in the past year) had commented on many of the pictures. Some of the comments were totally harmless, commenting on me or William; some not so harmless. He made comments about J.'s penis pumpkin ("predictable"), called J. and Dylan girls, and generally made comments that were not right to make at an ex-boyfriend and his current boyfriend. Common fucking sense, right?

Alan obviously pissed people off doing this. Both Dylan and Seemab commented on Alan's comments telling him to stop. I probably would have said the same to him if I hadn't been cracked out for 14 hours. Alan responds by making comments about J.'s body (unacceptable) and by calling Seemab a terrorist.

A terrorist.

Seriously? Because she's Muslim? And brown? Because her family is originally from Pakistan? Really? And then when I brought it up to him his reasoning is that he doesn't know "what her interest is" in the US. Maybe her interest is that she LIVES HERE AND HAS SO FOR ALMOST HER WHOLE LIFE?

Ughhhhh. Just kill me now.

Seemab was very upset, of course. So was I. So was J. So was William. J. asked me to defriend Alan because he doesn't want Alan having any information on him, with no way to contact or insult him anymore. I get that totally. So I did it, I deleted Alan from my friend's list. It wasn't easy and I feel bad about it because despite his obvious insanity, I love him and can't seem to stop caring about it. He was a great friend... but I can't have someone saying that shit on MY facebook.

And if I'd kept him? Wouldn't that be the same as me agreeing with him?

And if I'd kept him how would J. react? J. means the world to me and I know where he is coming from. And yet... he continues to be friends with former BFF Melissa, who basically broke my heart and stopped caring for me entirely when she met a boy on the internet. But Alan's racism does not equal Melissa being a bad friend. Alan's is worse... so it's ok for me to defriend him, but I shouldn't ask the same of J. It's all very confusing.

I've asked myself for years if it is MY fault that I meet these people who shit all over everything good, and who do everything in their power to make me insane. For a long time, I knew it wasn't me, it was THEM. Then after everything with former BFF Melissa, I started to maybe consider that it was my fault. Maybe I suck, and everyone is just reacting to that. I am here right now to put this out there:

NOT MY FAULT.
I JUST ATTRACT THE CRAZY.

It is not my fault that every picture and happy memory I have from the past 8 years is partially ruined because the relationships failed between me and someone else. It is not my fault that my freshman roommate at college was a big weirdo from day 1, who talked to inanimate objects, who never had an opinion about ONE FUCKING THING, who left pubic hairs all over the toilet and would not clean after I begged. It is not my fault that Ashley, another roommate, was so emotionally uninvolved and available that she couldn't deal at all when there was an issue, so she just stopped talking. It is not my fault that Melissa decided that our sisterhood was not worth as much as a budding romance with Annoying Internet Boy; it is not my fault she stopped talking to me, who went to see him when I was at home crying from depression, who made me promises that she never even attempted to keep. It isn't my fault that Alan decided to call someone a terrorist.

I am sometimes sad about my lack of friends here. It's hard because I am not working, and I know almost no one in Greensboro. It can be hard relying on hubs and Marley and a handful of others for everything. I am missing someone- a great best girlfriend in my city who wants to see me as much as I want to see her. I keep holding onto that hope that she exists and that we will meet, but who knows. All I know is that I have to have standards; sure, I could let people walk all over me and my feelings. I could accept crappy ass friends who don't care about me. If that was the case, then Melissa and Ashley would still be in my life. But that is not me; I give a lot and I expect a lot in return.

Sorry. It's not me, it's you.

2011-11-04T20:22:00.000-04:00

I want to be a foster parent. Maybe adopt a child from foster care.

More on this when I don't have snot dripping all over the place.

Thankful

2011-11-03T20:11:00.000-04:00

I am feeling thankful tonight for:

1. Poppy seems to be doing better. I haven't seen him much today because I'm deathly ill (ahem I have a small cold) but his sassyness is obviously back and he stayed awake more than I did today!

2. Grandparents that over feed me, especially when I'm sick.

3. A nice husband who is an excellent snuggled.

4. A safe, warm place to be sick.

5. Cozy pajamas!

No control

2011-11-02T21:01:00.000-04:00

Today was not a good day for Poppy.

I think he had a stroke... but no one is sure. Grammy seems to think he is fine; he hasn't been to a doctor.

He woke up this morning, and like usual, immediately fell back asleep. This is day 2 or 3 of him not being able to stay awake for more than a few minutes. Today he was also totally incoherent; he wasn't even able to speak in full sentences. He sounded like ESL students I used to teach. "Weather nice. Busy road."

Hubs and I took him to have his (little bit of) hair cut; he fell asleep during the hair cut.

He actually turned down ice cream.

He is just slowly fading.

I think about his funeral almost constantly. I can't help it... it's just always in my head. "This will be the last time Poppy has his hair cut. Oh, it's good we're getting it cut so it will look nice for the funeral...although no one will see it." These thoughts? Not helping me stay calm. I am trying so hard to enjoy the time we have left with him, but I can see us getting closer to his funeral every day, minute, second. It isn't easy to watch someone die; I have no experience with this.

I don't want this to happen, but I can't control anything.

I hate being out of control!

:(

Halloween

2011-11-01T20:58:00.000-04:00

Halloween is awesome.
Always has been.
Always will.

I hope to one day instill in my own kids a deep, deep love of Halloween, even if they do inherit their dad's sissy gene. Hubs can't do much of anything Halloween-related... no haunted houses. No scary movies. No dressing up like anything that could actually make someone pee their pants a little. Nuh uh. He's a wimp when it comes to being scared! I am as well, but I'll still do the scary stuff... he doesn't find that rush enjoyable. He must not be human or something.

Ever notice that as you get older, Halloween becomes less about Halloween and more about a chance to dress slutty and get really, really drunk? Not that I'm opposed to dressing slutty or getting drunk under the right circumstances, but this is THE COOLEST HOLIDAY EVER and should be about dressing up in costumes, candy, eating fall foods, being scared if even a little, and sorting your candy when you get home after a long night of trick or treating in the chilly weather. I'm a Halloween purist!

Last night I (along with Marley and a friend) took Christopher, age 4, and his sister Molly, age 9ish, around the 'hood to grab lots of candy. So cute! Christopher was basically dying from excitement all night.

Halloween is also the one time of year when my pasty white skin is a popular look:

One last Halloween thing: I found this last week and almost died of WANT.

It's a freaking haunted dollhouse made by the hilarious Jenny, who writes at TheBloggess.com. This made me start thinking about how badly I wanted and needed a crafty activity like this... mine would be different in that I wouldn't be working straight from horror movies.... maybe something like creepy things from books, movies or TV that I'm fond of? Like a room dedicated to "The Handmaid's Tale" and a room dedicated to "The Yellow Wallpaper" and a room dedicated to the scariest Buffy episode with the gentlemen... it could be amazing. When I one day have money and patience, this is going to happen.

Speaking of money... hubs now has another part-time job at Kohl's. Perfect timing, seeing as how the holidays are coming up and I absolutely freaking can't not buy or make gifts for people I love. Just can't. Nuh uh. Priorities: it is much more important to be to show people I love them and celebrate this time of year than it is to pay back student loans.

high, low

2011-10-30T20:16:00.000-04:00

HIGH:

Last week, the hubs and I went over to J. and Dylan's house for dinner/pumpkin carving. We had a seriously great time. Being with J. makes me miss college when we lived together... and I think I just miss being around people who aren't related to me.

Seemab, J., Dylan, me

I've talked about the boys before, but blog, meet Seemab:

Me and Seemab (holding puppy Baxter) have a loooong history, like 5th grade, like 15 years ago? We ran against each other in 5th grade for the all-important vice president of Lindley Elementary (I won, much to my parent's shock). In 6th grade, we really met and became BFFs. She is one of my fondest memories from middle school... we did everything together. Friday night skate nights, Saturday night sleepovers, lunch everyday, we were serious BFFs. We went to high school together but didn't really have any friends in common so we drifted... but it's excellent that she's in my life again! Randomly, she became friends with J. and then we all realized we knew each other. It's sort of crazy to hang out with your best friend from middle school and your best friend from college at the same time!

Anyway, we had so much fun with everyone and love them dearly. It's really so rare that we WANT to hang out with people, especially as a couple, so thank you to J. and Dylan for being awesomepants.

(And yes, J.'s pumpkin is a penis. He was drinking. So was Seemab... as for me, all my scary Halloween teeth fell out, so I have no excuse except for lack of talent.)

LOW:

Oh, Poppy.

We all went to hear Twyla Therp speak last week. Grammy and Poppy and me and hubs went to dinner, during which Poppy repeated himself over and over again until it wasn't even funny, just sad. Grammy just looked away when it happened. He kept looking around and saying, "You know when school is in session, this place is so crowded!" It happened every 15 minutes or so... depressing. I have to admit he is getting worse. Last night as we were heading upstairs, Poppy asked us if we were spending the night... because he didn't remember we live with him. I don't know who he thinks I am. He doesn't seem scared of me, which is all I'm worried about (wouldn't you be scared if a random woman was just suddenly in your house, acting like she lived there?). He's also been a million times sleepier than usual. And that coat in the picture above? He wears it 24/7 now, even in the house with heat because he is always so cold.

I also learned that Poppy doesn't like female doctors and felt very strongly that women shouldn't work... oh dear. Luckily, he dropped the women shouldn't work silliness some time ago, but it still makes me wonder about all the things I don't know and may never know about him. I regret that I never knew him when he was young enough to really have conversations with me. Even though I've known him for almost 9 years, I never knew him as young.

Oh, Poppy. We love you, but if it is your time, you can go. I do not want to see you suffer or lost or confused.

what i'm reading now, part 37

2011-10-24T21:32:00.000-04:00

everything

2011-10-24T19:08:00.000-04:00

A lot has happened in the past month, and I haven't blogged about any of it. I meant to! I have half-written blogs on all of these events in my head... and that never translated to actually writing them down. Plus, Marley accidentally deleted every single thing off my itouch, including all my pictures, so there goes all my proof and reminders! Good thing she's generally cute.

1. High Holidays. I hope that sometime in the future I can learn to appreciate the Jewish holidays of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. As of right now, I don't. I like certain aspects, such as family together time and food... but it's super hard to get anything out of all-Hebrew services when you don't speak Hebrew. It's hard for me to make myself care about these holidays when they are so god heavy. It's like they put a sign on the door that says "Atheist non-Hebrew speakers need not enter." There's so much good in Judaism and so much I could learn, but obviously a conservative synagogue like the one the Silvermans attend is not going to help me. Blah. I know this is going to happen every year, and so something needs to happen. It seems so fake for us all to go and 90% of us not to understand what is being said or CARE even. I feel more connected to the world and happy in a bookstore, thankyouverymuch.

2. While hubs was still working, my services were needed in Durham to babysit my favorite boy, Isaac! He was particularly adorable this time (don't I say that every time?) because he is talking like a champ now. His favorite activities included snuggling with me (oh boy did we take a lot of naps together), watching "Bob the Builder," pretending to be a dog, jumping on the bed, and eating everything he could get his hands on. Oh, and asking where William was, because apparently we come in twos. We both missed William those days... it felt like our little family was broken!

Would you like to see a video? (Duh.)

3. Before hubs dropped me in Durham, I made us drive 45 minutes out of the way to see the Raleigh LDS temple. This is the second one I've ever seen in person; only like 200 more to go! HA. It was teeny tiny, so much smaller than the huge DC temple. In fact, this one only has 4 rooms! It was still gorgeous though, and I got to touch it :) That was something I wanted to do SO BAD at the DC temple, but it was impossible. I even walked right up to the doors and peeked in! SO thrilling for a geek like me. (Hubs sat in the car, rolling his eyes.) I thought it was really neat that a LDS meetinghouse (where Sunday services are held) was across the street; can you imagine going to church and seeing a lovely temple out your window? It's enough to make me reconsider atheism... sike. I took tons of pictures, but Marley deleted them of course, so I only have this one:

4. Tony Blair- Grammy and Poppy purchased us season tickets to the Bryan Series in Greensboro, since they and Mama and Papa Silverman go. The first speaker was Tony Blair, and it was super cool to be in the same tiny room as him. His accent was charming, and actually he was just generally charming. As in, he could charm the pants off anyone. Guess that's a good skill set to have, no? I honestly remember only 3 things from his talk: 1. He has not tried southern sweet tea, and is very confused about it being cold and already sweetened, 2. He does not regret engaging in the Iraq War and 3, He had some very sensible things to say about Israel/Palestine, although he didn't suggest paving the entire area and putting up a mall or resort which is what I always suggest (just kidding! Sort of.).

5. Family problems... shocking, right? It seems like there is just a lot of anger and general CRAP in the air between me and everyone who is related to me or William. My mom and I are typically "eh" about each other, but last week we had a conversation in which she blamed me for something that is NOT my fault, which made me cry and tell her that I hated this family, and us hanging up on each other. Lovely. See, since my grandparents have been dealing with the aftermath of my grandpa's stroke, I've been trying to be very, very helpful. I spent hours at the hospital, I volunteered to take over their baby-sitting duties for Ben and Sydney, I've been helping them look at new places to live, I've been feeding them, and I threw a birthday dinner for Grandpa because I felt sad that no one else was. If I had a birthday 5 days after a stroke, you better believe I'd expect my family to shower me with love and attention, right? Anyway, I've been generally happy to do these things, which the exception of baby-sitting. It isn't Syd and Ben that I don't like about it; in fact, those kids are great. So, so great. Smart, loving, adorable... I'd be happy to stay with them 24/7 if needed. The problem is that their parents are insane. I absolutely HATE sitting at their house all day. This is going to sound weird, but I feel DIRTY when I'm there. Their dog is huge and stinky, their couch smells and seems gross to me, the carpet isn't vacuumed, the kitchen is yucky, and don't even get me started on the bathroom. I know it's sort of petty, but I seriously feel like I'm going crazy by sitting there. I spend all day trying to avoid anything fabric (couch, chairs, carpet) so I don't leave with a weird smell/or the possibility of bugs or fleas. Sigh. Obviously I can't just tell them that, but I suggested that I'd be happy to baby-sit as long as Sydney could come to MY house, where we are clean and actually have food to eat. If that wasn't good, then couldn't I at least have Syd's car seat so we weren't stuck just sitting there? I didn't think this was crazy or unreasonable, and hubs agrees that staying in their house all day is not ideal for anyone. (On a different note, why would you WANT your almost 3 year old to sit in front of the TV all day? Is taking her to the library or a museum or a park somehow bad and I don't know it?) And it isn't us driving that is the problem- they don't let ANYONE drive Syd, not even my grandparents. The way they treat their baby-sitters, my grandparents, has been a hot topic forever... they are just so inconsiderate of them. Anyway, after being ignored and treated like shit, this stuff got brought up by me in front of everyone which was not my intention.... sigh. That night Ray texted me and said he wanted me to watch Syd the next day and that he'd drop her off at our house. I was overjoyed! I even offered to pick up Ben from school and declined his offer of payment.

The next morning he never showed.
Word were exchanged. My mom blamed me. I cried a lot and said "fuck" to many people.

6. In happier family news, Poppy's 91st birthday was the 15th. They were still in the mountains, so we all went to the mountains to celebrate his birth many, many, many years ago. How is it possible he's so old?

It was the most perfect fall day. The weather was gorgeous, the leaves were bright fall colors, there were pumpkins everywhere.... we could really move there and be happy, I think. Seeing as how they have 2 houses there, it wouldn't be a bad idea...

I tried to take as many pictures as possible, but they really didn't come out on my itouch. I was literally gasping at how beautiful it was... I wanted to capture that mood and keep it with me. The best I could do is film a video of a drive around the area (we were lost because of Grammy). You should watch and move to the NC mountains as soon as possible.

7. Still no jobs. The job that we were hoping for with hubs' uncle John fell through when we found out that family members can't work in the same section of the company. That was a big bummer. Even worse was finding out that Mama and Papa Silverman don't really think we're doing all we can to get jobs and move out. They are obviously insane, because it's all we do and think about. They actually said that they didn't understand how William is "living his life" and that if they were in this situation they'd be doing everything in their power to not live with their grandparents. Ah, thank you so much for that. That makes us feel so much better about our situation. It's obviously our fault that the economy fucking sucks and we can't find jobs. Yup, totally our fault. And of course we want to live with Grammy and Poppy forever.. we like having to be in the house with the alarm on by 10pm so we don't wake them... we love how Grammy totally controls everything we eat and flat out told us yesterday that we are not allowed to bring any food inside the home because we have so much.... we love getting yelled at about "wasting on money" on deli turkey that will "just go to waste" when we spent $2 on about 8 pieces of turkey. Ugh. This is NOT where we want to be in life. It's sad that people don't see that. We are not some slack ass kids trying to have their housing paid for forever... we'd love to have jobs, a house, a BABY. But no, we can't make it happen right now. So fuck everyone who thinks otherwise. We don't need to hear that right now.. or ever.

Whew, I feel a lot better now that I got all that off my chest.

does it ever get easier?

2011-10-14T14:33:00.000-04:00

William just called to let me know he was FIRED from his job at the restaurant. He sounded completely shocked and upset; I am both, too. At the end of his shift, the owner (a friggin 24 year old punk who has a restaurant because his brother-in-law basically gave it to him) called him into the office and said it wasn't working out and that William wasn't catching on fast enough. What the hell? First off, William isn't some 14 year old kid at his first job. He's worked in a super busy law firm and was constantly praised and given raises and other benefits because of his hard work. Second, it's a RESTAURANT. Not even a waiting tables gig, a stand at the counter and take your order gig. Third.... he was doing fine! He had everything down! He memorized the system and menu the first week and I know this because he studied and made flash cards and I helped him.

He knew things weren't going great at that place. He complained that the owner's wife didn't seem to like him for some weird reason. He was already looking at other jobs, and his uncle John had a position with his work that seemed great despite the weird hours. Now we're just waiting to hear back if William's resume passed the HR inspection in Atlanta.. if it does, I guess he has a new job? Or interviews for one? I don't know. I just know that we are back to have ZERO income and we need more than zero.

I just decided today to host a birthday party for my grandfather Monday. How do I do this now that we have no income and I said I'd make dinner? I'm so upset.

Why won't things get easier or better for us? Is this some sort of test, universe? We are decent, hard-working, educated people. We just want jobs.

I'm upset about the loss of income, but I'm also upset that someone was mean to and hurt my William. He doesn't deserve that shit. And in case you were wondering, do not eat at Mythos Restaurant in Greensboro. Their spanakopita comes frozen from Costco, and their special house dressing out of a bottle.

Fuck. my. life.

We were supposed to head to the mountains tonight for Poppy's 91st tomorrow. Who knows what is happening now.

Please. Please let it get easier and better, and please take away this sick feeling from my stomach. I'm a bundle of nerves.

whew

2011-10-13T14:36:00.000-04:00

My grandfather had a stroke Monday morning around 6am. He wasn't able to walk down the steps of their house to get into the car, and my grandma was totally freaking out. An ambulance was called and he was rushed to the hospital, where he got to spend a couple of days eating his floor out of chocolate ice cream.

He's ok, mainly. They are both shaken up a lot. He can't be left my himself ever again in case he has another stroke, and my poor grandma is obviously very stressed out about this whole thing. I've been helping however I can, seeing as how the rest of my family and especially my mom are completely inept at taking care of people. I've spent every day staying with Sydney and Ben, as my grandparents usually do that. As I type, she's looking out the window yelling at a dog. She's awfully cute, even if she doesn't really seem to like me yet!

My grandparents are going to have to move. They live too far out, on too much land they can't keep up, in a house with too many steps. I want to bundle them up and take them home with me, where I will feed them and take care of them forever! It breaks my heart to see them so unable to control their lives.

I. am. tired. And so very happy his stroke wasn't worse.

Syd and Grandpa right after he was released from the hospital.
I've never seen a kid so devoted to her grandpa!

a wedding story, part 2

2011-10-05T16:09:00.000-04:00

Thankfully, when I realized that I couldn't and didn't want Melissa in my wedding anymore, I asked Nicole if she would be willing. I felt very awkward about this because I really and truly didn't want Nicole to feel like she was "second choice." Nicole was, in fact, who I wanted from the beginning... but I was grasping for ways to keep Melissa involved that I made the wrong choice. Needless to say, Nicole accepted and praise the lord, because I ended up really needing her calm and support on my wedding day!

One of the big questions we had to answer was who the hell was going to marry us? If it was left up to hubs, we would have had a completely secular wedding. This is what he wanted from the start... and a secular wedding was what I wanted, too. Judaism is... complicated for us. I did not feel like we could have a completely Judaism-free wedding because I wanted to get married at least somewhat similarly to how his parents and grandparents were married. I knew I wanted a chuppah.

A rabbi was found near us that would be "willing" to speak with us, and if we passed his inspection, he would marry us. Oh, I can not even tell you the stress this caused me! What was he going to ask? What if we didnt' answer properly? What did it mean that we had to "pass" inspection?

We arranged to speak with him, and once he learned that we'd already been together for 8 years, his tone changed. There was no doubt we were going to be together, and so if wasn't interested in marrying us someone else would. I think we made that plenty clear. We also tried to explain to him that while we wanted cultural Jewish aspects to our wedding, we didn't want the religious aspects. He seemed to understand.

This was all ruined when we started working on the ceremony. Half of it was in Hebrew. How the hell was anyone in my family supposed to know what was happening? And what about ME, you know, the person getting married? How could I get married if I didn't even know what was being said... and the same goes for hubs. He doesn't speak Hebrew either... little did we know this was just one of MANY things this rabbi would insist on, if he was to perform our wedding.

what i'm reading now, part 36

2011-10-02T15:18:00.001-04:00

Read in September:

Totals:
September: 11
August: 11
July: 13

June- 10

May- 10
April- 8
March- 10
February- 14
January- 27

Year total: 114

October:

a wedding story, part 1

2011-10-02T15:02:00.000-04:00

I've been meaning to write The Wedding post ever since I started blogging, almost a year ago. I kept putting it off and putting it off... and now that we officially passed our one year anniversary on September 25th, I think I need to just do it.

Our wedding and the events leading up to our wedding were not perfect. Oh, no. In fact, the wedding planning was anything but smooth. I spent many a day and a day crying and wondering why I was even going through with this arcane ritual that held very little meaning for me.

After our engagement in October of 2009 (Lancaster, PA + Amish buggy ride + OMG AMISH + dairy farm = great proposal, hubs. You are welcome for the idea), we started throwing ideas around. At first it was decided that we wanted a small, small wedding. When I say small, I meant tiny- I wanted 30 people, max. I didn't want to deal with the hoopla surrounding traditional weddings, and I wanted something that we could afford but still maintain a level of taste and prettiness... so it had to be small. That was quickly dismissed as hubs has something like a million and a half family members and they all expected to be invited. Sigh. So I began accepting the fact that my tiny wedding wouldn't be so tiny. Then I decided that I wanted it in fall; fall is my favorite season, the weather would be nice and non-sweaty, fall colors are awesome. This was dismissed after being told that Poppy might not erm last that long. We wanted Poppy there for sure, so we knew that waiting until fall wasn't a possibility. I wanted to be married in the mountains; it didn't work out. I wanted to do a family cruise instead of a wedding; it didn't work out. From the very beginning, I really felt like I had no control over the wedding. It's silly because I really didn't and don't care about the wedding stuff, but everytime I tried something it didn't work. Very discouraging. I also wanted to wait until we could pay for the whole event ourselves... which was vetoed because that would take years, which we feared Poppy wouldn't have. The one thing I would not let up on was that our wedding MUST be after I graduated with my MSW. I was not trying to mess with a thesis and a wedding at the same time.

We eventually settled on September 25th because it was sort of maybe fall, and it was literally the first weekend that worked. So we had a date!

One of the main issues that I dealt with during the planning was my mother. I feel bad just writing that, but I have to be honest: Mom, you were a friggin' holy terror. At one point in the planning, we argued so badly that we agreed that perhaps she wouldn't even be coming to the wedding. My own mother.

She was incredibly bothered by Mama Silverman's involvement. I didn't know what to say to her to make ti better, and I still don't. I wanted and needed Mama Silverman involved. She has planned 3 successful Bar Mitzvah parties and knew so much about party planning... she was a great help. Plus, I am so uncomfortable talking about money and the cost of the wedding-- so I think I was put off by my mom's honesty concerning the budget.

I remember one night, it was a Friday. My mom had found a place for the wedding that she really licked at Castle McCullough, which is literally a fake castle in the next city over. I was never enthused about the idea, and told her so many times. A fake castle just isn't my style. It felt pretentious and fake and everything a regular wedding seems to be that I wanted NO part of. Whenever I would raise objections, my mom would become upset as if I was objecting to her personally. It wasn't about her at all, but as usual, she managed to make it so.

Anyway, that Friday my mom called and said that there was a building that wasn't part of the main castle that she visited and loved. It was surrounded by a garden with ceiling to floor windows. The pictures were great, but hubs and I didn't want to just say yes to something without seeing it. So we excitedly decided to spontaneously drive to NC that night, visit the castle the next day, and return back to DC after. We were really and truthfully excited; we were maybe going to see the place we'd be married! And at this point, we were still excited about wedding planning... so we threw our stuff into a bag, jumped in the car, and I called my mom to let her know I was coming home and could we go see the room she lived the next day? I was totally unprepared for her angry response. She felt we were not trusting of her judgement and that we should agree to it without seeing it. She said if Mama Silverman had suggested something, we'd agree without seeing it. Of course this wasn't true, and so we argued. It was a horrible argument, and within a mile of leaving our apartment, I was sobbing and choking from being so upset. My mom and I do not get along typically, and the added stress of planning this thing was not helping our relationship. It was that night I made a comment that if she was going to be like this about everything in the wedding, maybe she shouldn't come. She agreed and hung up.

There was also tension between the Silvermans and my parents. They would meet to discuss the wedding, and then after they'd each have a different understanding of what was said.

And I was supposed to let THESE people plan my wedding?! Being hours away from home was not working in my favor.

Not to mention, this was when my best friend for years was basically breaking up with me. No joke. I had asked her to be a bridesmaid when things started going downhill... and months later, I had to ask her to NOT be my bridesmaid after the crap she was pulling. We weren't even talking anymore by that point, despite living in the same apartment. I only bring this up because it was another stressor in the wedding planning. I think part of the reason I put the planning on hold was because I was so damn confused about her and our relationship. Were we friends? Was this just a bad period? Would she be my Melissa again, or this new girl who lived with us but ignored us?

a timeline of my day

2011-09-21T17:49:00.000-04:00

11:30     Wake up
11:31     Wonder if it's too early to take a nap
11:35     Read
12:15     Wander downstairs in search of food
12:30     Whine because I can't find anything
12:31     Give in and make a grilled cheese
12:45     Finish eating
12:50     Clean
2:00       Hubs comes home; I shower
2:45      I fall asleep on the couch
4:00      We watch TV
6:00      Dinner
7:00      More TV
12:00    Go upstairs to bed
12:15    Hubs falls asleep
12:16    I consider waking him up because I'm bored
12:17    I decide I hate my life
2:00     I still hate my life
2:15     Wonder if I'll ever get a job
2:16     Fall asleep crying+

Exaggeration*

Nothing much is going on. I'm mostly sleepy, apathetic, and totally unable to do much more than watch TV and read. Yup, I'm pathetic.

what i'm reading now, part 35

2011-09-15T15:03:00.000-04:00

9/11 memories (a few days late)

2011-09-15T14:49:00.001-04:00

10 years ago I was in tenth grade at Grimsley High School.

I was 15 years old. 15 was a good year for me. It was the year before I met hubs, so I was single and cute and knew it. I sat in chemistry class, in the New Science building (not to be confused with the Old Science building that housed the math department), beside one of my closest friends, Hannah G. I should NOT have been in this class, as it was a higher level chemistry class and I was ill-prepared. Alas, I took it because it was the track I was on, and because that's what my friends were taking. I hated this class unlike I've really hated any other class in high school, except for 11th grade Algebra III. The teacher, Mr. McKinney (McKinley? McSomething?) was a very, very old man who had suffered what apparently was many strokes during the later part of his life. I could barely understand him, and I could never follow what he was teaching. NEVER. He knew this. We were a class of 10, and I was the slow one.

Needless to say, I was quite pleased at the distraction of the events of 9/11, at first. I'm not sure how the teacher found out; was he on his computer in the back, looking at the news? Did another teacher come in and tell him? Did he telepathically sense the horror that was taking place many states north of us? I don't know. What I remember is that he said that something had happened, and rushed to find a TV. Ah, a break in class! A freak from chemistry, and from not understanding what the hell he was teaching! Those were probably my last thoughts before I found out.

The teacher told us that a plane had hit one of the Twin Towers. The TV came on. We watched the second plane hit.

I thought it was all an accident at first. What else could it be? When the second plane hit, it became obvious that this was no accident.

Our principal came on the speakers. "There has been a terrorist attack." She was heavily criticized for telling the school this, despite the fact that we were all at least 14. Then again, is 14 old enough to understand terrorism? I don't know. I think she was right to tell us, because the rumors were flying and it's always worse just not knowing.

The school day continued. Parents pulled their kids out of school; mine had me stay. Only one of seven of my teachers actually taught that day; instead we talked about what had happened. "Terrorism" became a word that was heard frequently. In my Latin class, a girl left the room crying when her mother called- her dad had been in NY on a business trip that day. He was fine.

All after school activities were cancelled; for me, that meant driver's ed. It was eerie and strange how serious everyone was taking this. It still hasn't really sunk in for me. I knew that people were hurt and dead, but I think I just didn't really think about it.

When I got home, I sat and watched the news for hours. Do you remember how everyone was glued to the news? Nothing else was on in our house. I started to get upset. I realized how horrible this was. The TV made it worse... I would watch, then go to my room and cry. I would sob because so many people were hurt, so many families were destroyed, and for what? I couldn't stop thinking about the passengers on the planes and how terrified they must have been. I couldn't stop thinking about the terrorists and how horrible their lives must have been to be able to do something like this.

I really, really needed comfort. I was out of my element and I didn't understand exactly what happened next. When my mom came home, I kept asking her "What's going to happen?" meaning "PLEASE TELL ME WE WILL ALL BE OKAY." She did not comfort me. She too was distraught and confused. She told me she didn't know if we would be okay. She didn't know.

That made me sob. I still didn't understand what had happened. I still don't.

I've always appreciated and hated this image. On one hand, I agree- without religion and without especially fundamentalist religion, would 9/11 have happened? How much of 9/11 was OUR fault because of the way we treated others? But didn't we often treat others badly because of religion? I don't know.

On the other hand, it isn't fair to blame Islam for this occurring. Unlike other southern communities, Grimsley actually had a sizable Muslim population. I grew up with Muslims. Islam was not scary or the enemy, and yet some of my Muslim friends were unable to return to school on 9/12 because of the threat of violence. My sweet friends who obviously had nothing to do with this. So, I hate this image because I think people look at it and assume that Islam is the enemy. They think Islam is somehow worse than Christianity or Judaism. It's not. It's not better, it's not worse. RELIGION is the problem. All religions have blood on their hands.

today was a good day.

2011-09-07T18:47:00.000-04:00

I took my shiny new darker brown hair to get a massage. DELIGHTFUL.

Marley dyed my hair a few days ago, after I found tons and tons of grays all clustered together at the front of my head. No bueno. I used the foam dye for the first time; it smells a million times worse than the rest of the dyes out there, but I think it works great and didn't make a mess! Which is important, seeing as how Grammy would literally have a cow if I stained her immaculate white bathroom.

Then we ran a few errands, saw Gracie, ate a delish lunch at Brixx, and spent some time at the farmer's market because I really, really needed one of those tiny pumpkins. It is September, after all!

My massage was delightful. Seriously. Do you want to know what I think? I think if our governments and insurance companies and such really gave a damn about us, massage therapy would be free. For everyone! If I could have a massage a couple of times every month, I think I'd be a calmer, happier person. Alas. It's anywhere from $40-$60 here for a massage, so that's a special occasion, once a year occurrence for me.

Hubs has started his new job and likes it so far. He is making no money, and doing work that a trained monkey could do. That's ok, though. The hours are good and at least we have something coming in. They seem to really like him to; they trusted him to drive the company van and to deposit a big bag of cash on the second day he was there. So either he made a great impression, or those people are super dumb. Either way, I'm glad something is finally happening for us even if it's small.

My babies, the ones I don't yet have, have been in my mind a lot lately. As in, constantly. If there's one thing that I really learned while hubs was sick and in and out of hospitals, doctors, and urgent cares is that I sure as hell will never ever give birth in a hospital, unless there's some complication and I have to. I don't see how anyone could do it. Being hooked up to an IV, the constant stream of random people, the noises, the smells, the potential germs, the general ick factor, the not eating rule, gosh I could keep going... it's just not happening. I always had this idea that a hospital birth would not be for me, but this just sealed the deal. Anywhere away from a hospital would be just fine. Home? A birthing center? We will see. I've already started looking into midwives in the area, although I don't know why because we NOT ready yet. I just need to reassure myself that this can happen if I want it to...

With Grammy and Poppy coming home in a few short weeks, I'm trying to organize my life so it isn't miserable while they are here. I love them to bits and all, but I can't sit here all day with them. We really can't afford car insurance for me yet, so I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't sit upstairs in my room all day either because it makes me look rude and weird... so I've sort of taken over their covered patio. I've been sitting there outside reading for weeks now... in fact, I'm there right now... but it was a gross mess. Yesterday I cleaned, rearranged the furniture, and have grand plans for this to be MY room here. I don't know if that's going to be ok with Grammy, but she really can't complain about me cleaning, can she? I really just made it usable again! And I just need to add some autumn/Halloween decor, and I will be happy as a clam sitting out here all fall.

Do you see my baby pumpkin? And doesn't this space
scream for a "happy fall" fabric banner?

And here's the table in the corner, all ready for me
to sit down and craft or write or eat. I can even pull
it out and add the other chairs for company haha. I'm such
a freak.

I'm liking September so far.

what i'm reading now, part 34

2011-09-05T16:50:00.000-04:00

Totals:
August: 11
July: 13

June- 10

May- 10
April- 8
March- 10
February- 14
January- 27

Year total: 103!

(I'm bringing over 2 from my last post... not posting pictures, this is just here to remind myself!)

take it away

2011-09-01T21:17:00.000-04:00

See this little heart shaped fucker? It's the kidney stone that has caused almost a week of pain and angst. This stupid thing has sent us to the emergency room, the urgent care 3 times, a specialist with a friggin' $60 copay TWICE, and fianlly today- it sent us to surgery. Surgery to have it removed.

We are very happy it's gone, but poor hubs is still in pain. They had to put a stent up in there and it bothers him. He is peeing blood and it bothers him. His stomach hurts and it bothers him. He's botn nausous and hungry and it bothers him. I am trying not to become annoyed, but it's been a week and I need some sleep and some damn space. Just a little.

But gosh, I love him. It's disgusting how much I love him and want him to be comfortable and happy again. It has just been a really hard past week... but it will get better.

(I don't know if I'll ever recover from seeing him post surgery... when I was helping him get dressed and saw that his penis was covered in blood. I'm still having flashbacks.)

We spent the time after the surgery at the Silvermans, watching TV and wasting time on the internet.

Gracie was sleepy, too.

Hubs has a job! It isn't something he will probably do longtime.. but it's SOMETHING at least, money will be coming in, and the restaurant/catering work is good because he's interested in one day opening his own place. After saying he could start and then having to cancel... twice... he will be starting Monday. I am so relieved. I was actually able to buy stuff today. Nothing crazy, just little things that you can't buy when you have no money coming in. A book for hubs, 2 candles for me... and Julie is a happy gal. If I can get a good weekend under me, I might even be happy for more than a few minutes at a time!

A birthday

2011-08-29T21:38:00.000-04:00

I spent the first hour and a half of my 25th year in the emergency room.

Hubs is ok. Getting better. He's still in tons of pain but hopefully tomorrow he will be pain free. Fingers crossed.

It's been a tad stressful, obviously. I broke down last night in his hospital room and cried because I was so overwhelmed at seeing him all hooked up to machines. He was rolled out of the room for a CT scan, leaving the room empty. Tears, tears, sobs. What if he's not okay? What if this is serious? What if it's life threatening? What if he DIES?

And then it was my birthday.

We returned from the hospital and fell asleep, even staying in bed until 2. Nothing much came after that. He's not eating. We watched a lot of TV. I re-discovered the covered patio and sat out there during a thunder storm.

The Silvermans came over and I got to open gifts. A massage gift certificate from hubs, a manicure and pedicure certificate from the Silvermans, and awesome Sharpie pens and one of those water bottles that comes with a filter from Marley. Money from my dad.

Certainly one of the worst birthdays I've had. I'm trying to stay optimistic; it's just a day. Just another, ordinary day.

Hubs eventually decided he might be able to stomach a smoothie, so Marley and I went to get one while his parents stayed with him. I texted my mom, inviting her over for cake (do I never learn?). She called the house to talk to me, and hubs answered. She found out I wasn't there and decided to call and yell at me because I had left him there and he was obviously in main. The irony of a mom who doesn't seem to care about either of us and was basically absent from my life from age 16 getting angry that I left him for 10 minutes... it's too much. She decided at 7pm that it was too late for her to come over for cake, and so, I didn't see my mother on my birthday. Or my sister.

A close, loving family we are.

shit

2011-08-27T20:57:00.000-04:00

I just made the mistake of looking at my checking account and realizing how low on money we are. We are now at that amount that I told myself months ago I would freak out at. FREAKING OUT. We've gone through 1/4 of our savings and it was minuscule to begin with.

My birthday is in 2 days. I HATE my birthday. It all started when I was turning 18; it was my first birthday away from home. I had just moved to a new city a week before for college and still didn't know anyone, besides hubs and my seriously annoying and awkward roommate. I think I cried the whole day. In true Julie fashion, my birthday is always complicated because I think the day should be perfect. I should wake up feeling perfect, breakfast should be perfect, so should lunch, so should my afternoon, so should dinner and dessert and gifts. I am disappointed every year. Every year! I try to not get my hopes up. I fail.

This year was looking to be ok, since I'd decided to cancel my birthday and try to concentrate on having a good day that didn't have to be perfect. Alas, hubs insisted on developing kidney stones, and could possibly be going into the hospital on Monday, my birthday. My plan was to get up in the early morning, drive to Raleigh, visit the LDS temple there (geek alert, geek alert), eat lunch at a place that was featured on the Food Network, see "Sarah's Key" which is only playing in Raleigh, come home, and end the day with dinner and cake with my family including the littles. But noooo.

I'm not upset about this exactly, just wishing that my life could be different right now. I wish my sister didn't hate me, I wish I wasn't pining after my ex-best friend, I wish I wasn't poor. I wish a lot of things around this time each year.

Maybe next year I won't be just wishing, but living it. Wish, wish, wish.

Yikes

2011-08-27T17:12:00.000-04:00

Poor husband has kidney stones and is in severe pain. Send us some positive thoughts, ok?

(Do you think he's doing this just to ruin my birthday? It's in 2 days!)

what i'm reading now, part 33

2011-08-24T15:37:00.000-04:00

Don't judge me for my love of James Patterson novels.

some pictures with some words

2011-08-24T15:22:00.000-04:00

A pictorial overview of our week long travels. The pictures that are obviously edited are thanks to Instagram, my new favorite. Are you on Instagram? We can be friends!:

Friday night in Atlanta was a dinner for the Bar Mitzvah boy at a nice Italian restaurant with an open bar.
I only mention the open bar because hubs took full advantage of its existence. Drunk and silly husband.

Marley all dressed for services Saturday morning. Ms. "I'm not Jewish" is sporting a
blingy Star of David necklace. By blingy, I mean covered in diamonds. REAL ONES.

The morning didn't start off so well; Andrew refused to get up. Here's hubs complaining to his
parents and looking cute in his tie.

Stupidest name for a bank ever ever.

This is a highly illegal picture as cell phones and the such are not to be
used at all, especially in services. So, shh, don't tell. But I had to snap it
because Poppy is looking adorable and is wearing hubs' tallis, and did I mention
Poppy is adorable?

Coke is pretty exciting.

Marls at the World of Coke in Atlanta.

Us at the party that night. Marley thought I looked like a 1050s housewife
or something but I adore this dress. Suck it, Marley!

The next morning at brunch.

This is why if I blow dry my hair, I have to straighten it.

Boys on the Marta.

And we're back in Greensboro! And hubs sleeps until noon.

I HATE this purse. Grammy insisted on buying it for me for my birthday. I asked and pleaded
that she not... but it came home with me anyway. I really, really, really hate it. The tassel, the fabric, ick.

And I had to include the price tag. This ugly ass bag could buy me an entire new wardrobe.

It was a good trip; certainly one of the fanciest Bar Mitzvahs I've ever been too. Heck, it was fancier than my wedding! Poppy seemed to really enjoy being around everyone and I almost teared up Friday night when I found out that Poppy is the oldest Berlin, and Ross the Bar Mitzvah boy is the youngest- and last, unless he has a child to carry on the name. Poppy definitely struggled with his memory; he couldn't quite figure out who Papa Silverman was the entire trip. He participated in so much of the Saturday morning service, which was encouraging because he obviously remembers much of it, but why can he remember random Hebrew prayers and not his son-in-law? It's just going to get harder and worse. I almost WANT Grammy and Poppy to come home from the mountains so that we can watch them better.

...........................

So, I didn't get the job. I found out when we returned from the trip. My phone had been dead, and when I plugged it in, a voicemail popped up. I internally groaned, knowing it has to be a student loan matter since no one ever leaves me voicemails. I wasn't even expecting it to be Big Brothers Big Sisters. I was sad, yes, but held it together pretty well. I cried for about 10 minutes that night and then fell asleep fine, and haven't really thought about it much. I can only do what I can do, you know? I will continue to apply places, hubs has some interviews, and something will happen. I'm happy to report there was no explosion of emotion, no fit, no period of depression... (although I am canceling my birthday. More about that later). I will keep moving forward, keep pushing on. I'm the little fucking engine that could, huh?

News

2011-08-22T21:59:00.000-04:00

"Hi Julie, this is Wendy from Big Brothers Big Sisters. I wanted to let you know we've filled the position and will be moving forward with that person. Blah blah, I hate you and you suck. I am telling you this exactly a week before your birthday so that you will not be able to enjoy it. Annnnd fuck off!"

Update from Atl

2011-08-19T23:23:00.000-04:00

Hola! I am updating from er the Homewood Suites in Atlanta. Sorry to leave everyone hanging about my interview but I've been without Internet for days in the mountains. It's like the friggin' middle ages there. Thanks for the emails and comments asking; there are some sweet people in the world.

My interview went... Ok. I felt like I really connected with them- I had them laughing and chatting and nodding their heads and smiling. There were a few questions I struggled a bit to answer... It was like they googled "obscure interview questions" and went at me. Overall, it was ok but I just didn't leave with a good feeling. In fact, the first thing I said to hubs was that I certainly didn't get that job. The weird feeling has continued since the interview and I haven't heard back from them (not even a freaking acknowledgment that tlhey got my thank you email. Rude!). It's just wait and see now but I will not be shocked when I don't get it. Sad, yes. But not surprised!

We've spent the past few days with G & P, eating too much and living life at a very slow pace. It's been nice but I m ready to get back to Greensboro! I'll update much more when I have my computer back and I'm not trying to write on a stupid itouch! Happy weekend.

You got what I need, girl

2011-08-15T20:55:00.000-04:00

N. just emailed me the sweetest, most thoughtful email that has calmed my nerves about my interview tomorrow. She is so precious to me! I don't know how many situations in my life have been made better because she's just been near, but it's very, very many.

(All of the personal stuff is edited out, don't worry, Ms. N.)

N. bridesmaiding it up at my wedding.

Hey Julie,
Good luck at your second interview tomorrow! (It is tomorrow...right? The lunch interview?). Please let me know how it goes! They will love you.
I hope you are doing well. I read your blog daily. Though I have not commented or contacted you in awhile know that I am thinking about you. It is overwhelming and scary and exciting to go on job interviews. You are doing such a good job!
I am going to go take a shower then work on some notes for work.
I wanted to reach out to you to let you know I am thinking of you and wishing you the best!!! Any organization would have to be crazy to not hire you!!!! Seriously!
With love, N.

Sisterly love

2011-08-15T00:33:00.000-04:00

My sister, biological not in-law, has defriended me on Facebook. All because I yelled at her because she stole jewelry from me. Would you like to know how I found out? I was trying to find something cute for her for her birthday, so I used the Etsy tool that lets
you put a Facebook friend's name in and picks stuff out for them based on their info... except I couldn't because I'd been defriended. Sweet, huh? Some days it amazes me that I haven't just jumped off a building yet.

what i'm reading now, part 32

2011-08-14T23:29:00.000-04:00

There are some long-awaited titles on this list... I can't wait to get through them.